Thursday, December 31, 2009

When?

I stand before you stripped raw.
I cannot explain the emotions I feel, more then can be understood.

Much unplanned and never intended.
Can you be all I perceive you to be?
Everything I expect and nothing I thought to need.

A piece of my heart is all I can offer.
A space to call your own.
Forever to be loved, cherished and embraced.
Will it be you?
Will you fulfill my need?

Wallow forever in the shame of me.
Brand me and claim me as your own.
Reaching and never sated.
Yearning and never fulfilled.

Waiting.
Someday to be called your own.
When will it be?

Will you dance with me, forever invited into my fantasy?
Be mine for eternity?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Yours

You've possessed me, a spell possibly. Words kissed with a talented tongue.

Thoughts of unknown desires run through my mind. Twisting and turning, demanding.

I am shocked and aroused all at once. Steal and shatter my body and soul; take what's yours.

Visions of you over me, inside me, shake me to the core. Breath staggers from my body.

The bliss of passion and pain intertwine and I am lost forever around you.

Insanity and ecstasy become one. Take me, break me.

I'm yours.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Walls of Regret

The walls are closing in.
The dark that is my soul envelopes me.
Blindly I scream.

Fingers tear at my emotions.
Searching for the answers I need.
I want to breathe.

Circling my self imposed cell.
Round and round I stumble.
A blanket of despair pulls me under.

I see you clearly now.
I know what's going on.
Contradiction and anger abound.

Stay over there.
Don't come any closer.
Give back what I gave so freely.

No longer in your care.
Steeped in regret and misery.
My heart once again belongs to me.

Just be.

The twisted webs we weave; feelings and emotions woven true.
Our hearts are intertwined.

Come away with me and entangle your soul with mine.
Let's hold each other through this night.

We'll wipe away each others tears disguised by the falling rain.
Free our fears sending them all away.

Toss away any desire to unravel the webs we have weaved.
They're forever a part of you and me.

Hush my love, please...
Just be with me.

Tomorrow we can again let reality fly free.
For now just hold me.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Three Words

Tempt me and tease me.
Breathe my name.
A song so sweet.

On my knees.
Your words arouse me.
Beckoning fires of need.

Hold me tightly my love.
Own me and devour me.
I'm all that you dreamed.

Tangled tongues of desire.
Keep me drunk with your mouth.
Brand me as your queen.

Wrap me and roll me.
In the depths of your soul.
Drown me so I can breathe.

Tell me the words.
The last three I seek.
Tell me you love me.

Make me complete.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Unraveled Desire

Two bodies and souls become one.
The skies part revealing your heart to mine.
Beautiful intentions, coupled with complications.
The distance that separated us of little consequence now.

I'm with you always, a part of you.
Curled around you in our den of ecstasy.
Your whispers embrace me, beckoning my body to yours.
Sweet sorrow binds us together in a blanket made of promise and desire.

My name falls from your lips with a sigh.
Your questioning eyes consume me, pleading with mine.
My offered kiss is filled with love, providing the answers you seek.
With one breath from you I am unraveled; fears are banished soothing my need.

My Everything

Visions of you possess me.
More then expected and dreamed.
You're all I want and need.

I wasn't prepared for you.
Did God deliver you?
The Devil himself maybe.

I was lost and you found me.
Now yours eternally.
No end to be seen.

Your words deliver promise.
Fluttering on the edge of disaster.
In these fantasies I'm free.

Engraved in my soul forever.
Your essence captivates me.
Brings forth satisfaction and need.

My blood burns for you.
Nothing else can I see.
Forever you'll be.

My baby.
My breath.
My...everything.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Revealed

Everything to lose.
Nothing to gain.
A bridge destroyed.
No detour found.

Uncertainty looms near.
Indifference now present.
Willingness has disappeared.
Lack of respect follows.

The track's not secure.
The ride has begun.
All seats are full.
The destination unclear.

A separation between.
Visibility on both sides.
The standoff evident.
A choice to be made.

There lies the solution.
Patience is required.
Compassion a necessity.
Grace and dignity revealed.

Clearing the wreckage.
Each side to be tended.
God is in between.
He will decide.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Never Again

Your slip is showing. Your true colors revealed.

I see you've taken no care with your words.

They sting and drip with sarcasm and deceit.

Be careful what you say, certain harm cannot be cast away.

I offered you gifts.

Labeled as Friendship and unconditional love.

Now those gifts are spoiled.

Blackened by the venom of your words.

These things you should have held precious.

In delivering your poison, you've lost your dignity and grace.

Never again will I share.

You'll be alone in your misery, wrapped in your blanket with care.

My Sin

Your deepest desire.
Your most wicked fantasy.
Nothing compares to me.

Everything you ever wanted.
More then you dared to dream.
I'll roll you in my ecstasy.

Come to me baby.
Feed your soul upon my sin.
One taste and you will see.

Etched in the walls of your mind.
Wrap yourself around me.
My essence is all you need.

Never ordinary.
Upon my pedestal I'll be.
Forever your everything.

Hold onto me.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Betrayed and Shattered (Written by my friend Susan G.)

My very close friend wrote this. She was just letting out her feelings in regards to a very painful situation in her life. This was the result. I thought it was beautiful so I have posted it on behalf of her.

Written by Susan G.

I can't breath.
I am in a hole, a dark spiraling emptiness.
There is no way out except through.

It is deadness, emptiness longing and love.
It breaks into the inner being of all I know to be right and true.
I am fighting for breath.

Struggling to survive this pain, this deadness, this loss.
I open my mouth to scream and no sound escapes me, yet my mouth remains open to release the ugliness.

Betrayed by the truth and the lies.
I hate who I am. I hide my disguise. Nothing is what it seems.
I believed, I loved, I lost.

The world seems dark, why is this so painful.
All that I believed is shattered.
Someone has died, it is ME.

I can't bear the pain.
Does he know what he has done?
Can't he see what has happened to me?

I am lost and alone, empty and frightened.
I feel the darkness. I gasp for breath.
I never knew anything could cause such agony.

I loved so deeply, so blindly and now I am sliding.
An alien in my body; my heart is broken, lost in his betrayal.
Maybe tomorrow I can breathe.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Obligation

It's you again.
I remember you.

Such a familiar face.
Such a familiar tone.

I know your hate.
I know the venom you spew.

You were always this way.
But you don't remember do you?

You've got an excuse now.
No need for an apology.

Your waves of insanity crash over me.
I sputter and cough, trying to catch my breath.

You don't know do you?
You can't see can you?

You hurt and harm me.
Tear me to shreds with your words.

Don't worry, I'll stay.
Give you what's left of me.

Feed you. Bathe you.
Love you and hate you.

Nothing you want.
Everything that you need.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Figment

A figment of my imagination.
The muse of my thoughts.
Inspiration filling my soul.

Your voice trickles through me.
Torturous whispers in my mind.
Scorched words and bloody promises.

Dripping words like honey.
A tongue laced with need.
You quench my thirst.

Now nothing.
Complete silence.
Sadness copulates with frustration.

With balled fists I demand.
Through clenched teeth I scream.
Reveal yourself to me!

Can you not hear me?
Do you not see?
You've become my habit, my drug!

Fill me then bleed me.
Steep me in your flavor.
Feed my hunger.

Let me overflow.
Thoughts catch in my throat.
Words pour from my fingers.

My imagination.
My muse.
My insanity.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Watching Need

Open windows. Body bare.
Are you there?

Roaming Hands. Quickened breath.
Are you watching?

Pulsing need. Licking lips.
Do you like it?

Clenching teeth. Arching hips.
Do you want me?

Tearing sheets. Blinding need.
Are you ready?

Pinching peeks. Aching screams.
Can you feel it?

Ecstasy grows. Splintering bliss.
Was it good for you?

Pounding heart. Sated desire.
Will you watch again?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Phantom Affair

Standing in the corner of the room.
My magic conceals me. No one but you can see me.
You look over, our eyes meet and a thrill runs through my body.

I need you.

A slight smile spreads across your lips. I lick my own in anticipation of your taste.
My body stills as I watch you talking to your friends. Entertaining them with your witty jokes, enthralling them with your beautiful smile.

I want you.

Again our eyes meet, again the thrill. I gasp as it shakes my body from the inside out.
Thoughts of your mouth on mine consume me.
Visions explode of our bodies touching, tangled in each others desire.

I seek you.

You look up at the feel of my phantom touch and smile.
Smiling back, my lips brush yours sending my tingles over you.
You reach for me and your hands pass right through.

I crave you.

How can I go another day, another minute and not have you?
You consume my every waking thought.
Possess me mind, body and soul when I dream.

I ache for you.

Our world so different. Our lives never to be intertwined.
Fenced in by the walls of our existence, doomed to only have this fantasy with each other.
Never to touch or consume.

What would I give?
...Anything!

What would I sacrifice?
...Everything!

I would give the world for just one breath of you, one single taste.

I will wait for you.
I know you will come to me.
We'll meet between reality and fantasy, the only place possible to be together.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You are free

A peaceful soul with a vibrant spirit.

You lived.

You loved.

You fought.

Now at ease, the pain is gone.

Fly and soar through the heavens.

His love had healed your heart and made you whole.

Forever to be cherished and remembered.

You are free.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Tumbling Ecstasy

Burning desire singes my soul, my mind bursts forth in torrents of need.

Tempt me.
Ease me.

Feel me.
Tease me.

Bite me.
Bleed me.

Thrill me.
Fill me.

Touch me.
Lick me.

Take me.
Love me.

Tumbling in the scent of your ecstasy, I
splinter apart beneath you.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The show must go on.

Fantasy and reality.

Teetering on the edge, navigating a smooth but rocky path.

Steeped in the honey of the words.

Replaced by the bitterness of the aftertaste.

Spoken gestures like fingers dancing over my senses.

A meeting of minds, mouths and bodies.

The lines are blurred.

Participating in the game.

Blinded by the score.

Awakened by my surprise.

One more round.

I return to the show.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Madness

Anger presents itself while aggression spills forward and self hatred grows.

...Guilt runs through.

Penance is required.

Emptiness is apparent.

Shame is equal.

Lust is powerful.

Desire is potent.

Deceit is habitual.

Disgust is everywhere.

Self pity presents itself while emotion spills forward and self loathing grows.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Understanding

Alone and struggling in fear, I look up and see you.

With outstretched arms, my soul calls to you.

Forever a gentleman, you wait until you are called.

I crawl to you, tears pouring from my heart.

I fall into your arms. You wrap me in your love and grace.

You whisper away my pain; claim my tears as your own.

My emptiness is relieved. I am no longer afraid.

Filled by your grace. Unconditionally loved.

A choice I am given. A decision to be made.

You are everything or you are nothing. What do I choose you to be?

I choose everything.

A power greater then myself.

All that I've ever needed. Everything I've ever wanted.

I am loved more then anything in the world.

A God of my own understanding.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

For My Friend

I see your tears
I feel your pain
I know your fear

The walls have begun to close in
You've stumbled and fallen

I will catch you and hold you while you cry
I will nurse your bruises and wipe away your tears
I will stay with you while you heal

When ready you will stand
I will walk with you on the path
One step at a time

A beautiful butterfly broken free of its cocoon
You will fly and begin again

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Screaming Powerlessness

I am powerless as I listen to her cries.

I can't take away her pain or soothe her aching heart.
All I can do is listen.

I see her, she is curled up in bed, weeping.
I need to go to her, curl myself behind her and hold her until she sleeps.

But I can't seem to make that happen. I have no options, no choices in the matter.

All I can do is sit and feel her pain, listen to her broken heart beat.

She's screaming and I can't help her. She wont listen to reason, wont accept what's happened to her.
Her confusion, pain, anger and frustration flood my ears.

Oh God!
What do I do for her?

Will this ever end?
Will she ever be the same again?

I think not.
Nothing will ever be the same for her again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Scream

Sometimes I just want to scream.

Everyone wants a piece of me. The weight of their need pressing closer.
It's too much pressure and I can't handle it.

I just want to run away, hide from it all.
I am not enough, I will never be enough.

I feel invisible as you talk and talk, telling me your tale.
Do you see me?
Do you care?

At the very end you say: So, how are you?

Fine is my answer.
It's all I can say, all I want to say.
I wont bother to tell you what's wrong with me.
You wont hear me anyway.

I slip into oblivion and drown in my own misery.

God just help me get through this minute, this hour, this day.

But I realize that tomorrow it will start all over again.
Will it ever end?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Self-will run riot!

I'm Hurt. You've hurt me.

I retaliate...

I've closed all the doors, the windows are all locked.

God is no where to be found. I've pushed him away.

I'm running the show, but I am dying inside.

Alone and lonely, full of despair.

The walls begin to close in.

Insanity prevails.

Monday, October 12, 2009

My current favorite song: Breathe (2 AM)

I love this song right now.
Wanted to share the words because currently they speak to my heart.
This is usually how it is with me and music.
I hear a song and if it fits to a situation in my life I get swept away in it.

Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick

2AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake.
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes.
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're are here for the very same reason.

'Cause you can't jump the track. We're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hour glass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button girl.
So cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe, just breathe.
Woah, breathe, just breathe.

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss.
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist.
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile,
but my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

'Cause you can't jump the track. We're like cars on a cable,
and life's like an hour glass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys.
So cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe, just breathe.
Woah, breathe, just breathe.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout.
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out.
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again.
If you only try turning around.

2Am and I'm still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to.

'Cause you can't jump the track. We're like cars on a cable,
and life's like an hour glass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button now,
Sing it if you understand

And breathe, just breathe.
Woah, breathe, just breathe.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Game: You and I

I watch
I wonder
I run
I ponder
I hurt
I scream
I loathe
I suffer
I cry

You strike
You ignore
You hurt
You alienate
You protest
You deny
You pretend
You laugh
You play

I help you
I hate you
I love you
I resent you
I need you
I ignore you
I seek you
I deny you
I want you

The game so clear to me now.

I quit

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Relief

I can't breathe
My chest feels as though it will explode

Wretched dregs of regret fester and grow
Tearing at my insides, screaming to get free

The demons giggle and tug at my lungs
Clamoring for an opening

I cough and strain, fighting the urge
Clamping my lips closed

It happens, I cant stop it
Out of my mouth and nose they come

I spew my hatred, anger and aggression at you
Vomiting my vindictive little pets all over your denial

Finally I can breathe
I am free

Attachment

Oh honey... You get too attached. You always have, you were this way even as a child.
My Father said to me.

Broken and battered, faded and torn.

My picker is broken.

My sanity is in question.

Why?

So many unanswered questions... Too many lies.

You twist the knife further, deeper and harder.

I cling to you with all my might.

I am a fool.

You run and I chase.

Why?

Why do I do this?

Wait..
One question answered...as I recall.

Oh honey... You get too attached. You always have, you were this way even as a child.
My Father said.

He was right...I hate him for being right.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Can't Breathe

I can feel your breath on my neck.
I release a sigh at the words you whisper in my ear.

I tingle inside in response to your promises.
Your words are like honey sweetening my senses.

I turn in your arms and press against you.
My soft curves molding to your hard edges.

Your hands entangle in my hair, your lips so close to mine.
My world begins to spin.

My eyes shut as you close the distance between us.
I am swept away with your kiss.

I open my eyes to the dimness of the room.
I realize now you were only a dream.

I can't breathe as I shudder with the loss.
I am alone.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Fire

The glow is so intense.

It captures all my attention and reflects all my thoughts, fears and emotions.
A mirror image of my growing insanity.

As I move closer it tempts me, taunts me and plays with me.
I can't help myself.

I know it will harm me and I will get burned, yet I cannot turn away.
My feet firmly planted, my hands balled into fists.

For a brief moment I pause, contemplating my situation.
I brush away the thoughts that fill my head with reason and rationality.
It's too late for all that, there is no going back and I proceed.
My course is clearly plotted, my choice is made.

It takes me, caresses me, makes love to me.

Finally... Finally...

It burns me and I am gone.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

One Moment

I will never have another moment exactly like this one.

In seconds and inches time passes and I move forward.

I can look back but I must not stare. What's happened is gone, never to be again.

Bloom where you are planted I hear you say.

If I stay in today I have choices.
Today is all I have.

God

Where are you?
Are you hiding from me?
Please don't. I have grown accostomed to your presence in my head and in my heart.

I long to feel your arms around me again.
I'm so cold, my body shakes with the loss of you. You filled me up, made me whole.

So many questions fill my mind: Why did you abandon me? What should I do?
How will I find you again?

I am lost and alone; wandering with no direction.
I can't think anymore. Make it stop.
Please come back to me.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

3 Things I Feel

Anger
Hate
Disgust

Fear
Pain
Suffering

Frustration
Shame
Guilt

Empty
Sullen
Void

Passive Aggressive
Silent Scorn
Sarcasm

Vindictive
Justified
Validated

These three things I feel.
All wrapped up in one.
All at once, racing through my mind.

Push, pull, stay, go!
Which is it?

I can't please you! Why do I care so much that I do?

Everyday my heart resides on my sleeve.
There for you to poke and prod or love at your leisure.

I wake each day wondering what the day will bring.
Will you love me or hate me?

It all depends on your mood or your state of mind.
Which will it be?

Wait
Wait
Wait

Don't worry here I will be.
Waiting...

Will you see me today?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Mommy

I miss you Mommy.

Is that so hard to believe? I suppose so considering how much we used to fight.

When I close my eyes I can see you as you once were. You were a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. The smartest woman I have ever known.
You had your own demons of course; You wrestled with them your whole life.
Most times by choice.
I hated that you wouldn't be rid of them.
I hated you.

You loved me and you wanted me. There were times when you couldn't take care of yourself, so I took care of us both. Our roles were reversed then as they are now.

I look at you. I can't believe my eyes. You are so small, so fragile.
Lost in your mind.
Gone from me forever.

It's horrible to watch you wither away. To know that this is how it is and that it will only get worse from here. Slowly but surely you will disappear...

Your body will be present but your mind will be gone.

I will take care of you. I will love you, bathe you and feed until that time when your body finally gives in.

I love you Mommy.

Monday, August 24, 2009

My heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I am unsure why...

There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.

I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?

The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.

So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.

I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...

Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.

I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Morning after

There you were...You had come back to me.

You filled my night with attention and affection.
You fawned over me.
It was wondrous, glorious and everything I've been missing.
The ache in my chest that had become a constant companion was gone.
I was soaring so high.

I love it when you talk to me.
When you pay attention to me it seems that I am everything.
Everything else slips away and there is only me.

We talked and laughed all night. You told me all the things that you have been doing, everything that I've been missing.
You smiled at me.

You listened with excitement to all my stories. Eager to here everything I had to say.

With one quick word from you all my pain and loneliness had vanished.
Can we begin again?

I sighed with the relief of knowing that it would all be okay; That you might love and want me again.

I could breathe; I was happy.

I awoke in the morning. The ache and the loneliness was there again...

My head was screaming
No. No. NO!

It was a dream. Only a dream.

I curled into a ball.
Wrapping myself in my blankets, holding my pillows for dear life.
My heart wouldn't stop racing.
Missing you and wanting you once more.

Will you ever come back? Will I never again feel your light shining on my face and in my heart?

I sob and hold on for dear life to the last remnants of my dream.
You loved me there, I was safe there with you holding me.

Will this ever end?

My God sized hole.

Darkness and emptiness overwhelm me.

I cant stand this feeling. Being inside my own skin is hell.
I am empty.
I cannot breathe.

I love you and hate you at the same time.
I hate myself always.
I despise what I have become.
You give me nothing and everything and it is never enough.

I am left with feelings of doubt and self loathing.
Alone in my mind wondering what I did wrong.
How can I make it better? How can I make you love me more.

You wont give me an inch for fear that I will take a mile.
You are right, I will take a mile.
I will take everything you are.
I will bleed you dry and it will never be enough.
You can never be enough.

My insides are empty.
I have no idea who I am or what I want to be.

Are you the next victim?
Will you be the one that is enough to make me feel OK in my own skin?

The ones that have come before you have all fallen short.

Are you willing to risk everything that you are; to be bled dry in hopes that you are enough?
Will you try and fill up my God sized hole; the hole that resides where my heart used to be?

Are you my new God?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Inside My Head

I sit here alone in my head, wondering to myself: How did I get here?


Looking around at all my random thoughts and feelings.

Far too many to list, I dare only share a few.
Hurt, Confusion, Joy, Sadness, Excitement, Exhaustion.

How could I have been so blind?

How could I have been so stupid?

I tricked myself into thinking things would be okay.

I am a fool, such a fool.

It has been a long time since I had these kinds of thoughts and feelings.

They’re not easy to handle.

What should I do?

How do I bundle them up and put them back in their places.

There are too many of them.

The mind is a dangerous neighborhood to play in.

I have been warned NEVER to go there alone; yet here I sit.

Alone in my head, drowning a sea of thoughts and emotions.

It’s dark and lonely and I can’t seem to keep my head above the water.

Swimming through the wreckage before me, I am shocked and overwhelmed at the site of two old friends; expectation and disappointment.

It's been a while since I’ve seen either of them.

How interesting it is to me that they still hang around, forever present, for the long haul it seems.

I should have known that they would both still be together.

Forever patient; waiting to be awakened.


We were such close friends in the past. Playing games with each other.

Seeking situations that allowed me to wallow in my own self pity.

The good old days are long gone now. I no longer see them as friends.

I would rather shove them under the water and drown them.

I remember with clarity now... I see how they brought me no relief, no peace.

They keep calling to me and I find that I cannot turn away. I hate them and love them at the same time.

Oh look there’s confusion again. Rearing its ugly head and silently begging to be paid attention to.

These emotions run rampant in my head. The thoughts that accompany them are maddening.


I suppose I’ll be here for a while longer. I’m not ready to part from my old companions. They feel like an old worn blanket, wrapping them selves around every part of me until I feel as though I might suffocate.