Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Screaming Powerlessness

I am powerless as I listen to her cries.

I can't take away her pain or soothe her aching heart.
All I can do is listen.

I see her, she is curled up in bed, weeping.
I need to go to her, curl myself behind her and hold her until she sleeps.

But I can't seem to make that happen. I have no options, no choices in the matter.

All I can do is sit and feel her pain, listen to her broken heart beat.

She's screaming and I can't help her. She wont listen to reason, wont accept what's happened to her.
Her confusion, pain, anger and frustration flood my ears.

Oh God!
What do I do for her?

Will this ever end?
Will she ever be the same again?

I think not.
Nothing will ever be the same for her again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Scream

Sometimes I just want to scream.

Everyone wants a piece of me. The weight of their need pressing closer.
It's too much pressure and I can't handle it.

I just want to run away, hide from it all.
I am not enough, I will never be enough.

I feel invisible as you talk and talk, telling me your tale.
Do you see me?
Do you care?

At the very end you say: So, how are you?

Fine is my answer.
It's all I can say, all I want to say.
I wont bother to tell you what's wrong with me.
You wont hear me anyway.

I slip into oblivion and drown in my own misery.

God just help me get through this minute, this hour, this day.

But I realize that tomorrow it will start all over again.
Will it ever end?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Self-will run riot!

I'm Hurt. You've hurt me.

I retaliate...

I've closed all the doors, the windows are all locked.

God is no where to be found. I've pushed him away.

I'm running the show, but I am dying inside.

Alone and lonely, full of despair.

The walls begin to close in.

Insanity prevails.

Monday, October 12, 2009

My current favorite song: Breathe (2 AM)

I love this song right now.
Wanted to share the words because currently they speak to my heart.
This is usually how it is with me and music.
I hear a song and if it fits to a situation in my life I get swept away in it.

Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick

2AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake.
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes.
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're are here for the very same reason.

'Cause you can't jump the track. We're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hour glass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button girl.
So cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe, just breathe.
Woah, breathe, just breathe.

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss.
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist.
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for awhile,
but my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

'Cause you can't jump the track. We're like cars on a cable,
and life's like an hour glass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys.
So cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe, just breathe.
Woah, breathe, just breathe.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout.
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out.
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again.
If you only try turning around.

2Am and I'm still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to.

'Cause you can't jump the track. We're like cars on a cable,
and life's like an hour glass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button now,
Sing it if you understand

And breathe, just breathe.
Woah, breathe, just breathe.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Game: You and I

I watch
I wonder
I run
I ponder
I hurt
I scream
I loathe
I suffer
I cry

You strike
You ignore
You hurt
You alienate
You protest
You deny
You pretend
You laugh
You play

I help you
I hate you
I love you
I resent you
I need you
I ignore you
I seek you
I deny you
I want you

The game so clear to me now.

I quit

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Relief

I can't breathe
My chest feels as though it will explode

Wretched dregs of regret fester and grow
Tearing at my insides, screaming to get free

The demons giggle and tug at my lungs
Clamoring for an opening

I cough and strain, fighting the urge
Clamping my lips closed

It happens, I cant stop it
Out of my mouth and nose they come

I spew my hatred, anger and aggression at you
Vomiting my vindictive little pets all over your denial

Finally I can breathe
I am free

Attachment

Oh honey... You get too attached. You always have, you were this way even as a child.
My Father said to me.

Broken and battered, faded and torn.

My picker is broken.

My sanity is in question.

Why?

So many unanswered questions... Too many lies.

You twist the knife further, deeper and harder.

I cling to you with all my might.

I am a fool.

You run and I chase.

Why?

Why do I do this?

Wait..
One question answered...as I recall.

Oh honey... You get too attached. You always have, you were this way even as a child.
My Father said.

He was right...I hate him for being right.