My Magic Magnifying Mind

Endless Loop

2012-02-09T22:25:00.008-07:00

Caught in an endless loop.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

I do cry a lot, yes.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

A friendship is gone.

And now I cry, every day.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

So much confusion.

Promises made then destroyed.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

Promises made then destroyed.

So much confusion.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

And now I cry, every day.

A friendship is gone.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

I do cry a lot, yes.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Caught in an endless loop.

His Journey

2012-01-06T00:14:00.006-07:00

The velvet night sky stretches wide

A lonely canvas painted by clouded memories
Love eagerly seeks a place
Away from the brewing storm
To rest his weary soul

A Heart sings a call above frigid winds
Beyond creation it waits
With limitless calm and patience
For Love to find his way
Back home

Thunder crashes
Lightning brightens the darkened sky
The Heart’s song penetrates the deafening rain
Its chorus woven and complete
Fueled with adoring passion and simple melody

Love hears the Heart’s call
Rising above the mutiny
He launches and soars beyond winds high
His delicate spirit touches and ignites the stars
Then winks at the moon as he travels by

He knows the Heart promises reprieve
Warmth and peace
The Heart swells and beats in anticipation
As finally Love settles before it

His journey is over
Love has found his place
The heart cradles him
Within its arms
Soothing Love’s tired soul

He sleeps

~~~

For Sterling
01/04/12

Rest easy now, my friend. You will be missed, always.

Dreams

2011-12-25T22:57:00.002-07:00

There is a difference
Between knowing something
And believing it

A window into my soul was opened
All my dreams flew into your arms
And you held them

Such a fleeting amount of time

Then you let them go
And they fell to the ground
At your feet

My breath seized
I waited
For a word
A sign
Some measure of understanding
And nothing came

My dreams lingered unclaimed
My heart abandoned to beat alone

That window into my soul
Slammed closed
The glass cracked within its frame
Distorting the view I knew
And reflecting what I refused to believe

My dreams flew away
On winds of change
Tears streamed down my cheeks
And smothered my heart

I watched you walk away
And I let you go

You said I had to

Love Remains

2011-10-10T02:58:00.005-07:00

Your question is one of sincerity.
When love becomes all that remains, is it durable enough
to battle the pain, and anger that threaten to take its place?

There is a dwelling, beyond the boundaries of my humanity, where this love
sits and waits. It waits for you.
It’s solid and true.

Love.

An indestructible force with walls fortified by trust, honesty and
immeasurable amounts of authenticity.
It triumphs over false perceptions, mistaken intentions and unrealistic expectations.

My answer is one of sincerity.
When love becomes all that remains, it is durable enough to conquer anything.
It transforms into the balm that our broken hearts need.

When love is all that remains…
It is all we need.
It becomes everything.

Your Sky

2011-07-26T00:54:00.006-07:00

Unconditional gifts
Conditioning me
Inside my eyes
My hardness you see
An empty soul
Simply incomplete
Weeping hearts
Oozing sweet
Tender extremes
Giving more
Always more
Unrealized dreams
Floating on clouds
Hidden in your sky
Remembering my
Cinnamon fantasies
Begging for blessings
Bestowed by me
Mistaken expectations
Forfeited for
Anything received

Eternally

2011-07-08T01:45:00.004-07:00

Our fairytale was
Written bold and clean
Woven between
Lies that became
Truth that became
Fantasy

Yours and mine

Excuses once
Logical now seem
Mundane and
Reality will always
Be love
I’ll love you
Eternally connected
Forever

Perhaps mystically

No matter how far
You stray
From me no matter
How long you
Stay away
Reality will always
Be love
You’ll love me
Eternally connected
Forever

To me

And bitter sweetness
Remains hidden inside
Our never ending
Fairytale
Of make-believe

Rent Free

2011-06-26T03:55:00.003-07:00

A Slice to my heart
One moment I’m fine
The next
I’m bleeding
Everything’s changed
Yet remains the same
My scar
Never fully heals
As if it knows
It’ll be torn open
Again
Tall on your soap box you stand
Though you’re such a small man
One more comment
Another useless declaration
Carefully planned
To keep me away
And bring me to my knees
I gave what you wanted
And still you remain
A smudge on my soul
Tormenting my dreams
Casting your shadow
Living rent free
You’ve soiled it all
Each special moment
Every precious memory
I’m left with nothing
It’s all very clear to me
I understand completely
The joke was on me
Don’t talk anymore
Just please
Leave me be

Posed

2011-06-24T02:23:00.004-07:00

Discarded
Like an over-used accessory
Your well-worn doll
That sparkle once
Decorating my eyes
Must have grown dull
Your clouded vision of me
Determines my standing
Wait
Wasn’t I your favorite?
Your co-star
In this performance
Now cast aside
Only given
Barely a hasty glance
Perched upon some shelf
Collecting dust
An obsolete apparatus
Posed precisely
With a painted smile
Watching as you tickle
These newest versions
My understudies
Longing for the day
You’ll remember
The important role I played
Maybe you’ll remove me
From this artful display
Once you grow tired of
Your shiny playthings

Perfect For Me

2011-06-20T01:59:00.006-07:00

Shame is a waste
A seemingly useless emotion
Slithering like a snake
It sneaks up on you
Thickens and constricts
Sucks the life out of victims
Feeds on the hearts and souls
Of the innocent and damned
Consumes every inch of tender skin
Spreading venom through frail bodies
It poisons everything
It’s poisoning me
Weakened past the point of reason
Insanity begins to take control
Swirling thoughts of madness reign
And become truth
Nothing is what it seems
I am no longer me
Such a cruel twist of fate
And you are no longer you
The hatred inside you grows
It surrounds you and taints all things
You wish to keep safe
You hate yourself
Likely more than you hate me
And though I am weak
From touching you
I know deep inside my dying soul
The damage you have done
Can never be undone
Gone is the person I thought
You were
Perfectly imperfect
Perfect for me
Now all I see is a vile shell
Your mark has been made
This task complete
And as I take my dying breath
A single moment of clarity blooms
Shame has proven its usefulness
After all
It’s destroyed both you
And me
Though there was never really
‘You and Me’
There was only you

Jagged Shards

2011-06-11T02:54:00.005-07:00

I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Discovering each other’s masks
Our many different faces

Carefully carved lines
Marked the path we
Trespassed
Keeping us safe
Yet trapping us
Bestriding the bond
Over a cavern of sin

Connecting fantasies
Dreams and nightmares
Indulging in wants
We shouldn't have
Taking what we pleased
In spite of consequence
Damning sanity

Breathing deep
Every moment
Each touch
Fire raged between us
An uncontrollable heat
Singing our lips
With each passing kiss

Such intense emotion
At times neglected
Leaving my heart raw
In a defenseless state
Blurring the lines
In the blink of an eye
Between love and hate

The result could only be
Heartache
Broken dreams
Sweet hours of conversation
Now silenced by misery
Riding our merry-go-round
We twirled

Sitting quietly became
A deliberate punishment
Yours or mine
Who’s to say
Amidst hurt feelings
And indifference
It’s all the same

Leaving me behind
In this broken state
All things sacred
Left in jagged shards
Crushed in justifiable
Yet uncalled for
Disdain

There is no glue
No way to repair
The broken mirror
Replicating me
A thousand different ways
There is no more pain
No blood left to bleed

The pretty mess
I willingly let you
Make of me
Do you see what I see?
Horrified by all
The memories
You stole from me

Can you still feel me?
Like you used to
Thoughts of you still haunt me
Do thoughts of me haunt you?
I suppose
It doesn’t really matter
If they do

Still
I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Do you?

The Joke

2011-05-23T02:50:00.004-07:00

Are you done yet
Have I bled enough
Honestly could I ever bleed
Enough for you to be happy

You’ve justified your misdeed
Twisted it in your mind
Made yourself believe
I was just a lapse in sanity

You created a story
A manipulated masterpiece
It fit the picture you needed
To prove your innocence

You told me I meant everything
Though clearly this new version
Makes you the martyr
You desperately need to be

You’ve stained every word
Held sacred by me
What does it matter
What mattered to me

I was the joke
You could never leave
Until
You finally did

Lined With Gold

2011-05-03T23:56:00.004-07:00

Layers of tattered papers
Hold penned sonnets
Long since expected
Declaring love
Whispered promises
Devotions to keep
Letters received
One followed by another
Spinning fairy tales
Crafted from whimsy
Tied neatly in a bow
Cleverly lined with gold
Now worn from hours
Of recitation
Committing each word
To my heart shaped box
Of memories
Your cherished notes
Ceased long ago
As did anticipated hope
There would be
One more
Read by moons light
These shadowed words
Display differently
For now I see
The fallacy played
A story believed
Conjuring my desire
To set them free
To be carried away
Upon stolen winds
Sent back
From where they came

My Bubble

2011-04-22T22:43:00.003-07:00

A bubble is made
Of such fragile
Material
Thin and transparent
Defying gravity
Flitting from
Surface to sky
Gleaming in the sunlight
My bubble
Withstands storms
Callous skies
And Rocky ground
It floats
It persists
And remains intact
Heavy and weighed down
My bubble
Seems made from
Impenetrable steel
Yet still
Thin and transparent
Inside it I exist
Looking out
Watching you
As you look in
Watching me
I want to know
How can it remain
What would it take
For you
To burst my bubble
The one you helped create
And reinforce
For me
To finally touch
To feel
To taste
And to finally know
What my bubble was
Created to mean
If not for anything
But maybe
To finally set me free

Locked Door

2011-04-19T19:25:00.006-07:00

A glittering halo
Once surrounded me
Bright and forgiving
Now gone
Bent and broken
Blackened by reality
Part of my heart died
The consequence of letting you go
Vast emptiness
Stark and cold
Deep inside
I stand alone
Broken
The door is closed
The lock engaged
And still
Love and compassion remains
You are
And always will be
Mine
My heart
My breath…
Mine eternally
When I dream
I see you and feel you
Our souls coalesce
As they’ve always done
Then I wake
So far from you
So far from where we once were
Consumed by the ache
Existing half alive
Knowing all is as it should be
The evidence of you
Is stamped upon my soul
Alone
Missing you
Behind my locked door

** I wrote this poem for @christel42 to honor National Poetry Month and posted on her blog. She's a wonderful friend and writer. Thank You Christel.**

Erase My Memory

2011-04-15T18:45:00.005-07:00

My heart is slowly dying
He’s haunting me
God please
I’m suffocating
I beg you
Save me
Erase my memory
What I would give
For a moment of peace
To feel like me again
To know that I’m free
Noise surrounds me
Yet all I hear is silence
I can’t take another night
Crying myself to sleep

A Man

2011-04-02T15:02:00.002-07:00

Don’t forget
You tossed me away
Gave up everything
I’m no longer yours
Yours to possess
To caress your sin
Your mental plaything
Someone else claims me
He’s everything
Everything you wish you could be
A man
Not a boy
The fallacy
That hid before me
Does this inspire your hate?
Let’s keep it that way
You’ve been removed
From my heart
My mind
And my soul
I promise
You’ve been replaced

Great Divide

2011-03-24T23:03:00.003-07:00

You’re stirring
On the other side
Of our great divide
Your movements slow
Unpredictable
Your face a sullen mask
Once displaying anger
And now melancholy
I’m never certain
Which it will be
Please don’t
Don’t attempt to cross
The tattered bridge that
Still holds our souls connection
You’ll fall…we’ll fall
And I no longer wish to
Still too fragile and unable
To say no
The once beautiful waters
Have receded
Leaving nothing but
Scars in the walls that
Once held it true
A mass of wounds
Healing yet not healed
It’s not wise to disturb
The fresh balance achieved
Flowers will bloom again
Without the water
They once craved
My fragile line
Has been drawn
Stay on your side
Of our great divide
Your guilty hands
Can only bring harm

End of Story

2011-03-10T22:54:00.004-07:00

Clumsily you spin
Upon your stage
How embarrassing

Do you dislike my hate
It’s of your creation
The one thing
You always asked of me
End of story

Do you wish
I’d still spin for you
I’d take your bait
Play our old game
This dance grows tiring

You must have forgotten
All things said
Every misstep
Despite the choreography

Warp your memory
Bend it to your will
Absolve yourself
Then look down on me
Condemn me again

Your wasted opinion
Means nothing
I won’t reach out
I’ll never call your name
You’re safe

Besides
You’re no match
For the likes of me

Beautiful Pawns

2011-03-07T01:56:00.005-07:00

Save all your words
All your love
The sweetness that drips
From your wandering fingertips
Keep it
Save it for someone
Anyone who’ll believe
For once that someone
Won’t be me
I no longer crave your lips
Painted with honeyed words
Words that now I see
Only attract flies
Caught desperately
In your trap
A dazzling twisted strategy
A few plotted lines and
They all believe
Beautiful pawns
To be played in your
Desperate game of chess
Endless calculations
Careful manipulations
Save all your words
All your love
Keep it
This pawn doesn’t
Want to play anymore

Villanelle for the Death of Archery (anonymous guest post)

2011-03-04T19:38:00.004-07:00

Gorgeous villanelle guest post written by a friend.
Enjoy!

There are far too many things that you don't know
The revelry and squalor packed away
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

A million little boxes in a row
To bury or to swallow was the game
There are far too many things that you don't know

Choked them prickly searing down my throat
Afraid to use my shovel or my spade
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

The perfect Swedish angel in the snow
The sickness that I still feel to this day
There are far too many things that you don't know

I loved you then I love you now and so
Painful that it has to be this way
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

Serenity and wisdom are the bow
The quiver and the arrows disobey
There are far too many things that you don't know
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

I Heard Them Clearly

2011-03-02T01:27:00.003-07:00

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
Your cunning cutting tongue
Slices my spoiled heart

My promises made
Were promises kept
And I’m still standing here
Holding foolishly
To a single strand of hope

Watching you walk away
Carrying the air I breathe
Wondering when you’ll love me again
Waiting for you to remember
Why you loved me before

Take with you as you go
The love I gave freely
Distort the depictions
Of you and me
Destroy our memory

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
“I don’t want you anymore”
I assure you I heard them clearly

Disease

2011-02-26T19:46:00.014-07:00

Your petty display
I’ve often overlooked
Refusing this fate
Loving you in spite of
Your obvious lies
I’ve had all I can take
I hate your hypocrite face

Truth is supposed to set me free
Yet I’m held captive
Inside this maze
Crawling with venomous
Vines dripping excuses
You crafted just for me

I hate you occupying my mind
Like a disease you’ve taken hold
And won’t let go
Infecting every inch of my soul
Spoiling everything I taste

There is no serenity
Wandering inside this pathetic joke
Cursing your memory
Screaming your name
Dying one moment at a time

Mostly I hate
That my hate still isn’t
Strong enough
To kill my love
Eradicating this contamination
Called you
A constant threat
To my sanity

Ever forgiving
Unconditional
Never faltering
Love
Stands strong
You don’t deserve an ounce
Not one drop of blood
From my heart
You don’t even deserve
My hate

Love

2011-02-24T01:38:00.003-07:00

My mind clamors to escape
Visions battle
Of love
Of hate
Twisting spinning
Who will win this useless race?
Love is in the lead
A smile is all it takes
He holds her close
Coaxing her heart
From its hiding place
Heaven and Hell
Are one in the same
As his demeanor begins to change
Hate smothers love
Spoiling her foolish faith
Crumbs of lies litter her space
Soiling the gift she makes
Another round we go
Tell the Devil we said hello
No end to the cruelty of his soul
Sweet hate prevails
And finally takes
Love’s place

Words

2011-02-20T01:37:00.013-07:00

Winds whisper your words to me
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways

Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat
Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be

Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains

The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you

Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me

Breathless

2011-02-18T19:40:00.002-07:00

My breath escapes
Held captive
By your rhapsody
My soul lay bare
Beneath entrancing whispers
And translucent eyes
My heart open
To caress
My body yours
To possess
My response for any request
Will always be
A breathless
Yes
Come back to me
My body craves you
My ethereal love
Wrap your mind
Inside mine
Become real
And love me
One last time

Naivety

2011-02-17T23:41:00.005-07:00

My morbid reflection
Brings no understanding
Only hollow ache
Arrogant disdain
Your superfluous tool
Help cast aside
My lingering doubts
Polish and wipe your sins clean
Quickly now
Turn your whipping stick
Towards me
Ruthless strikes
Again and again
No mercy for the weak
Punishment is necessary
Though you’ll never really be clean
Mustn’t let them see
Please
Masquerade your lie
Be sure to highlight mine
Let the gauntlet fly
Condemn your very creation
Destroy every cell
Of my heart once held
Once loved
Incinerate any evidence
Of the error you made
Deny any responsibility
After all
It was my foolish
Naivety

So Willingly

2011-02-11T22:30:00.003-07:00

You laughed
I became your fool

You stayed protected
I exposed eternity

Hiding your smile
While I cried
I’m pretty when I cry

Unmerited responsibility
Toyed with so frivolously

Didn’t you discern
The damage you would do

I loved you
Of course you knew
In my mind you loved me too

How can it be
You let me give so easily

I gave you all of me
And you took it

Every piece of me
You took and took
So Willingly

Regret Filled Moon

2011-02-05T22:40:00.003-07:00

The image of you crosses before me
And leaves devastation in its wake
Your face has branded itself upon my soul
My heart

I’m forgotten, cast aside as I lie
Awake in the dreadful silence of my mind
My tears are hot and never ending. Each one
A memory, a regret, a smile
I’ve died inside

A shell of who I thought I knew myself to be
Confused by happenings, abandoned by fate
No choice, no voice but the whisper in my mind
Reminding me of the fool you let me be
I’ve searched tirelessly for you but all I find
Around every turn is the same
Vanilla sky and the blue regret filled moon

Lover Bemused

2011-02-03T00:05:00.007-07:00

Scornful dreams
Tempting screams
Wiping tears away
Denial is thick
My bitter drug
Charmed intensity
To fight
To breathe
Hold tight
I’ll navigate
Delusions anew
Cloaked gestures
Birthed by identity
My enemy
Risks sanity
My soul bleeds true
Lover bemused
I’m yours

Pass the Salt?

2011-02-01T00:00:00.008-07:00

A subtle
Scratch down the
Chalk board of your soul

Please, pass the salt?

Swallow your meal
Chew slow
She doesn’t know
Disguise your gaze
Across the expanse
At him
Does he know?
How many delicious
Secrets you hold
Will he notice?
A twitch in your lip
The glimmer in your eye
Will she comprehend?
The sins you commit
He couldn’t know
Could she?
Swallow slow
Don’t choke
Desire can be thick
As it goes down

Please, pass the salt?

A burning balm for the
Guilt in your mind

If Only...

2011-01-29T00:35:00.003-07:00

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try

If only
If only you still wanted me
As you wanted me before
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before

Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me

If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool

If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed

Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me

The Ache

2011-01-22T12:20:00.003-07:00

Where do we go when we’re left alone? When the things we want or wish for are taken from us and the pain becomes so great that there is no room for anything but the ache?

It consumes everything.

How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.

I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.

A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.

You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.

“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words

“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.

Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.

It’s consuming everything.

Puzzle

2011-01-21T11:14:00.008-07:00

Fantasies morph
Twisting dreams
Thoughtfully arranged
Displayed before you
Faded blue eyes
Without a face
Beckon me
Promising love
Connected belief
Unable to decipher
Truth from fiction
Missing puzzle pieces
Fill my pockets
Drowning in daydreams
Untangle the scene
Reveal what’s hiding
I need to believe
In something

Seeking

2011-01-17T01:12:00.002-07:00

Kneeling before
Broken memories
Time stands still
Yet moments pass
A book of riddles
You and me
Still seeking
Searching for answers
I seem to need
Impatiently waiting
For explanations
Begging please
Have mercy
Do you not know me?
Have you forgotten
Everything?
An accepting place
Awaits you
Inside my heart
Can’t you see?
It’s still me
I’ll keep seeking
Searching for answers
I seem to need

Tired

2011-01-10T00:48:00.000-07:00

I’m tired from…

Needing more than

I’m needed

Giving more than

I’m given

Wishing more than

I’m wished for

Caring more than

I’m cared for

Crying more than

I’m cried for

Holding more than

I’m held

Touching more than

I’m touched

Fighting more than

I’m fought for

Loving more than

I’m loved

Wanting more than

I’m wanted

Too tired to…

Need

Give

Wish

Care

Cry

Hold

Touch

Fight

Love

Want

And far too tired for you

Tomorrow

2011-01-10T00:40:00.007-07:00

What makes me believe

Today you’ll be different

Different than yesterday

Somehow better

Tomorrow

Will promises made

Ever be promises kept

Why do I hold

So tightly to you

What would happen if…

If I let go

Would my heart explode

Splinter into a million pieces

Would you gather them up

Tape them together

And promise again

You’ll be different

Different than yesterday

Somehow better

Tomorrow

Safe From Me

2010-12-27T15:06:00.000-07:00

Who am I

Who should I be

I’ve been lost and found

In the space of one moment in time

Yet at the core of my distress

My confusion

I find me

Who I used to be

But still am

Truth, insanity, insecurity

A lover, a mother

A wife, a friend

A hopeless romantic

A fool

Someone I used to know

No longer someone I want to be

But me…alone

Forever dependent on you

Thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions

Love…

Why me

What could you possibly see in me

Is it the idea of me

What I used to be

Or what I am today

Who am I today

God – please help me

Help me uncover what I’m supposed to be

What you need me to be

Help me find the truth

Buried deep inside of me

I’m sick of this endless hallway

Sick of the pain that wraps around me

Like a second skin

I run and hide in the dark place

Within my heart

I’m safe there

Safe

From me

Home

2010-12-08T21:14:00.004-07:00

Let me embrace you
Provide solace
Fears cannot linger
Doubts no longer haunt
Dreams and waking thoughts
Feed upon my nourishing touch
Drink from my soul
Your home within my heart
The soft place
You always know is safe
And recognize
Every part of me
As your own

Drown Me

2010-12-04T21:40:00.005-07:00

Venom slides
Down my throat
Choke and swallow
Scream
Fight the pain
Swirling in my gut
Bitterness coats
My insides
Burns then stains
My soul
Agony and dread
Surround me
Drown me
Disappointment
Deals a final blow
Silencing
My scream

3 Guest Poems by Tacoma Firefly

2010-12-04T17:16:00.004-07:00

Here are 4 poems I am posting for a very old friend of mine. He goes by Tacoma Firefly. If we're lucky he'll start his own blog soon because I think there is much more where these came from.

We

We swim in the pool of honesty.
We dance on the clouds of truth.
We sing the songs of friendship.
We taunt with the ideas of tomorrow.
We stumble from the pains of yesterday.
We walk on the flames of lust.
We ride on the backs of heartache.
We feast on the fruit of trust.
We treasure our time together.
We sleep on the bed of dreams.

****

My One

Let me greet you at the banks of desire.
Let us swell in our lust for companionship.
Forgive me for my penetrating stare.
Take your breath.
Let not your passion heed to the thoughts of our past.
But instead embrace them knowing you’re not alone.
I migrate to the scent of your temptation.
Give in to my touch.
Spread open and surround me like the Gossamer rings of Jupiter.
My one is you and you are my one.

****

Pleasure or Pain

A pinch.
A prick.
A pound.
A pump.

A friend.
A finger.
A bite.
A bump.

A pill.
A tingle.
A dopamine dump.

A kiss.
A touch.
A spank on a rump.

Rose

2010-11-30T00:05:00.004-07:00

Delicate petals open
Soft and inviting
Visibly alive
Colored by grace
Her stem
Long and unyielding
Brandishing thorns
When necessary
Reminding you
Of your place
Yet love flows
Like dew
Soothing wounds
Dropping kisses
Upon your brow
Alive with color
A soft and strong
Creature of life
A rose
Bright red
Dropping seeds
Shades of pink
Yellow and white
Legacies to bloom
Growing in the sun’s embrace
Always resembling
And remembering
From where they came

Just Me

2010-11-21T00:50:00.003-07:00

Standing alone
Though many faces
Exist around me
In this house
Full of painted scenes
Loneliness still wins
My screaming mind
Rises above
Registers attention
From none
Arms stretched out
Seeking comfort
I’m lost
Please
Silence my pleas
Just me
Alone and waiting
For a single
Special essence
The healing balm
That quiets my
Aching dreams

We

2010-11-10T23:57:00.003-07:00

My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone

Real

2010-11-08T23:45:00.005-07:00

Warm flesh
Heart and soul
Keeping time within
A calming pulse
My voice
An affectionate melody
Inside your mind
Trust and dignity
Sarcasm dipped in humor
And bits of insanity
Wrapped up complete
Packaged with sweets
Arms stretched out
Willing to be held
Soft and tender
Against my breast
Embracing reality
I’m real for you
You
Every part of me
My wish
A single hope
Be real for me
Me

One Mind

2010-11-01T23:24:00.005-07:00

Light filters
Soft and smooth
Over delicate skin
Painting you in
Beauty and sensuality
Slender curves carved
By gods of delight
Your scent stirs
My need to possess you
Deep within my heart
Your essence calls my soul
Enticing me to merge with your own
Falling into a never ending
Pool of dreams
Sweetness envelopes me
Lips dine upon
Angelic skin
Quenching thirsts
Hearts merge
Souls combine
One mind

Be Gone

2010-10-25T22:46:00.003-07:00

Cold darkness
Rents space in my mind
Unwanted cravings
Ever present
You’ve become my religion
My God of understanding
Curled into a ball
Casting you from my mind
Be gone from me
You’re uninvited
This fantasy
Beckons me
Mesmerizes me
Looking away becomes
An exercise in futility
Your claws reach
Deep into my soul
Tearing away
My timid resolve
You’ve identified
Every weakness
One taste
One touch
Proves devastating
Curled into a ball
I cast you from my mind
Be gone from me
Please—

Blurred

2010-10-24T01:52:00.001-07:00

Lines of certainty
Appear blurred
Stretched out among
Miles of unknown territory
Before my eyes
Nothing feels consistent
Self awareness
A distant memory
Distorted thoughts
Govern everything
Impairing judgment
I no longer trust
My own beliefs
Mindless moments
Crowded with insecurity
Who am I
Now that you’re gone
Who will I be

Worthy

2010-10-21T10:14:00.001-07:00

I gave up
Gave in
I’d given enough
My heart misses you
My mind rejects you
It still hurts
Raw skin burns
My love ran deep
Fierce and loyal
More than you deserved
It was a game for you
Nothing more
I begged
On my knees
Pleaded
You presented
Only shameful apathy
I should have seen
But in the beginning
I was struck blind
Mesmerized
By your sweet eyes
Clever words
Your lying smile
No longer worthy
Remember I used to be?
Finally I see clearly
It was you
Who wasn’t worthy of me

Vision

2010-10-15T23:35:00.003-07:00

Stripped of the eyes
I once gazed clearly through
A single shift in position
Undoubtedly changed the vision
An entirely new scrutiny
Dissimilar to before
Igniting a war of emotions
Contradictory
They spar with one another
Toil and tumble
Quietly destroying
Every memory
I do not care for this
Vision replaced anew
My recollection is muddied
Soiled with inconsistencies
It no longer fits
The pretty picture
Formerly perceived
Through my new eyes
I can see unmistakably
It was all make-believe
It was all
Me

Willingly

2010-10-07T13:57:00.003-07:00

Reality flickers brightly
On an unfamiliar road

Starbursts blossoming
Tears blur everything

Unsteady in my course
Unsure of my beginning

Open wounds
Still raw

One step forward
Two back

It seems
I’m forever trapped

Deeply yearning inside
Maybe for all time

I fell and cracked in pieces
Cluttering the ground before you

Shattering the window
I had always stared through

Seeking your soul
A vortex promising nothing

You let me go
Willingly

How I wish it had been
Regretfully

Does it matter to you that I’m gone?
It matters to me

The Memory

2010-10-03T01:45:00.001-07:00

I sit and gaze
Inside the looking glass
It reflects clearly a time
Long since past
Overflowing with memories
Your smiling eyes
Linger before me
Your voice clear
A lullaby in my mind
The feel of your mouth
Pressed softly to mine
Our arms wrapped tightly
In a lovers embrace
A smile graces your lips
A giggle escapes mine
Twirling and laughing
The reverie of our play
Inspires a smile
This is what I needed
What I longed for
Watching the memory
Reaching out
My fingers find
The coolness of the glass
Lingering briefly
The image blurs
I am reminded once again
What I see is the past
A moment in time
A solitary window
Reflecting
My current reality

Silent Goodbye

2010-09-28T00:17:00.006-07:00

Alone with my fear
Reluctantly I rise
Clutching the pale sheet
Wound tightly about my form
No longer your willing captive
Shackled in the dark
Riddled with desperation
Quiet pleas for mercy
Unheard or ignored
My dignity stripped raw
Used at will
Marked with scars
A second skin confines
Tattooed impressions upon my soul
Unsure of my footing
One small step
Propels me away
Forward
Light filters through
A crack in the wall
Freedom beckons me
I wobble and advance
Toward the precipice
Balanced on the edge
I turn around and see clearly
Your eyes
Silently urging
Go
Take your leave from me
Hope crushed once more
Falling backwards
The pale material
Unfolds and flies above
A white flag of surrender
A silent goodbye
From me

Futile Struggle

2010-09-26T01:37:00.001-07:00

No weakness
To be found
Within these walls
Erected long ago
Set firmly in place
No match for
Heart and mind
Especially mine
I’ve grown tired
Weary from this battle
A futile struggle
Unable to sustain
My soul is heavy
Filled with self loathing
Confusing love and hate
Dying a thousand deaths
In search of that which
Does not wish to be found
Miles upon miles
Manipulating God's
Orchestration of fate
Trudging a path
Riddled with bones
Withstanding tests of time
Foolishly believing it was mine

My Seat

2010-09-23T11:19:00.002-07:00

Held hostage in a world
You create and rule
I’ve no desire to leave
Lingering in my half awake state
The fog grows thick
Blanketing reality
No reason to breathe
Barely existing
The walls close in
Securing my seat
There will be no
Abdication from me
I’ll always lead
From the seat you
Willingly appointed me
You cannot renounce
Your Queen

Whisper

2010-09-22T00:29:00.002-07:00

Anticipation burns
Between my thighs
Across the room
Your body stirs
Your stare intensifies
Conveying promises
Hidden desires
Undressing me with your eyes
Visions dance
Within my mind
Stripped raw
My body bare
Passion spins me
Back to actuality
Our eyes locked
Halting time
Be ready for me
You whisper
Your only words
Mirror mine

Ribbons

2010-09-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

Tendrils of seduction
Radiate from your touch
Hot and wet
Moist with sweat
Palpable desire
Rolling your body
Against mine
Sinking inside
Sweet intoxicating
Irresistible heat
Our souls combine
Dancing tongues
Endless pleasures
Ribbons of need
Spiral around meeting hips
Divine pressure builds
Knotting our essence
The bow is tied

Insignificant

2010-09-19T23:45:00.004-07:00

When did understanding
Become sullen ambiguity?
My heart beats
An unsteady cadence
Beseeching you
Misery
Adorns my cheeks
Staining my skin
Will my surrender be enough
To atone for my iniquity?
There is no defense for me
My fallible humanity
A shadow of a rose
Insignificant
Pale and worn
Broken and torn
Craving your light
Seeking forgiveness
So necessary
For only you
Can restore
The beauty once
Radiating from me

Chosen State

2010-09-15T00:12:00.002-07:00

Fulfilling warmth
Your presence creates
We tumble and play
Sipping sweet
Intoxicating tastes
Amorphous ties
Hidden inside
Ordinary gestures
Swaddled in sightless faith
Yet can’t hold at bay
Your wave that sinks
Our heavenly state
Time stumbles over time
As I tread in the tide
Holding my breath
Struggling to weather my fate
Weighted down by
Crystalline promises
Long since drowned
Beneath my chosen state

The Corner

2010-09-06T21:42:00.001-07:00

You must believe

I’m made of stone

My heart

Encased in steel

One look

I breathe

One touch

I’m free

One cruel word

Banishes me

Jettisoned

Orbiting misery

Heart clenched

Bracing me

Preemptively

I know too well the

Punishment I motivate

Silence you demonstrate

Gut wrenching pain

Pushes pink clouds away

Fostering darkened skies

Banished to the corner

Broken and torn

Somewhere inside

The depths of your mind

A dark corner

You’ve labeled mine

Frozen

2010-09-06T15:56:00.001-07:00

Tears trickle down my cheeks

Iced drops of rain

Freezing your reflection

In a mirror of time

Your eyes now empty

Of the heart you once held

As mine

The pain of loss so great

The need to be seen

To be held and cherished

Consumes everything

My tears are in vain

My love wasted

Lost among frozen rain

Carving a path within

My soul

No heart waits for mine

Lonely, alone

Tears trickle

And find no home

Lost Child

2010-09-02T11:23:00.003-07:00

Fists grip

Edges of dread

Fear reigns

Cunning and baffling

Enticing me

Come and play

Let me warm you

Sip of this darkness

It beckons me

A lost child

Wandering among

Collected members of insanity

They caress my icy skin

Dampening my ability

To decipher

Truth from lies

The voice within my mind

Screams warnings

I’ve no desire

To comprehend

I’m dead

Yet I still breathe

Hunger thrums inside my soul

Throat aches for

Just one taste

Cravings clawing in my mind

Will finally cease

I’ll be warm

Until next time

The Merry-Go-Round

2010-08-31T09:45:00.003-07:00

Memories of oblivion

Swirl within my soul

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Around the merry-go-round

I fly

I’m sorry

Don’t cry

I promise I’m fine

I just need to hide

Behind crumbling walls

Water trickles constantly

Carving crevices

Gaps between

Weathered and worn

Broken stones

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Down the slippery slope

I slide

Catch me

Don’t let go

Watch as I fly

Just one more time

Around the merry-go-round

I ride

Make Believe

2010-08-27T11:38:00.001-07:00

The uncooperative toy

Complex and incomplete

Far too many

Anomalies

They betray the image

Others think you want to see

I’m not your pretty

Mindless little thing

Subservient dream

No sustenance between

Then there is me

Unforgettable me

Your bitch

The Queen

I fight with my teeth

I dare you make believe

It’s not what you need

My voice

My humor

My love

My greed

Limitless loyalty

Defying even your

Disloyalty

Your uncooperative toy

Complex and incomplete

Far too many anomalies

Inspire your unending

Ambivalence

Towards me

Hoarding

Everything I seek

Your voice

Your humor

Your love

Your greed

Limitless loyalty

Defying even your

Disloyalty

Melody

2010-08-27T00:16:00.003-07:00

Available for you

Eternally

Supportive and loving

Forever listening

All your fears

Many uncertainties

Complaints as well

Spill them upon me

Your biggest fan

You are the melody

I love to sing

Still the aches I breathe

Drift past your eyes

You don’t seem to notice them

Notice me

There’s not much left

I understand

It’s insufficient

But all there can be

The little time you give

It’s fitting

It has to be

Until the time comes

When it no longer will be

The Ugliest Girl in the World (guest post)

2010-08-24T10:16:00.004-07:00

Hello everyone!

Here is a guest post from my very good friend @divine_pk. I hope you enjoy it.
I am honored to be able to share it with you.

I'm the ugliest girl in the world
I hide on the outside
With make up
With curls
When I'm thin people like me
Congratulations!
What an achievement
For abandoning myself
When I'm fat, people like me
Ugliness peeks through
So witty!
So smart!
So talented!
Thank god she's fat!
In between
Mother says with mother bias
What a pretty face
Father says with male bias
I'm an 8 out of 10
Thanks, Dad
Lovers know what I want to hear
But won't say
It will seem false
It will be false
After all
I am the ugliest girl in the world

Lovers compliment others
Words never said to me
For I am ugly
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd carve an X into my face
Diagonal
Right to left
Diagonal
Left to right
X-ed out
Then there would be no question
It's the wondering that kills me

Maybe, maybe it doesn't matter
Maybe, maybe I'm pretty
This woman lives in me, somewhere
Battling my ugly
Battered by my ugly
In me, two people who despise each other
No one sees my wounds
Agonizing wars, bitches brawl
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd cut them right out of my chest
Leaving a void
Where the pain was
A void
My ugly pain
MY ugly
Where would I be without my ugly?

Mine

2010-08-21T21:03:00.001-07:00

Many things

I’ve dreamt I’d do

Desires and fantasies

Come true

Holding you

Within my arms

Breathing your scent

Gently tracing

Contours and lines

The curve

Of your hips

The sweetness

Of your lips

Nipping and suckling

Biting and claiming

What’s meant to be mine

Mine

I Wait

2010-08-08T00:54:00.001-07:00

Thoughts swirl about

Within my mind

Startling my soul

Breaking apart

Truth I knew

Words morph into lies

Every whisper

Each promise

Burns to ash

Before my eyes

I wait

And I wonder

Did you know?

With the power I gave you

This is what you could do?

You’ve broken

The last bits of my heart

Presented openly to you

Did you know?

Your assurances meant everything

Truth be told

I wait

And I wonder

Will you mend what

You hold so carelessly?

I’ve given you the power to

Stripped

2010-08-06T18:33:00.009-07:00

A flower gripped

Tight in my fist

Plucking the petals

One by one

He loves me…

Fluttering down

He loves me not…

Cluttering the ground

I pulled all the petals

Now wilted around my feet

The flower now bare

The petals don’t provide

The answers I seek

I didn’t take care

This longing for love

Never to become

Stripped and alone

Mirroring the stem

Forever undone

Captured

2010-08-01T23:21:00.001-07:00

Twisted threads of broken webs

Capture and bind

Pieces of my soul

Spun loosely around

My torn heart

Shattered memories

Carried away on winds

Whispering wishes

Heard though not fulfilled

Floating then falling

To an uncertain world

Yielding to defeat

Captured and bound

Within twisted webs

Contentment is found

Inside the pain

Numb

2010-07-27T23:46:00.001-07:00

I need to scream

Until my voice is gone

Dig my nails into my skin

Until it bleeds

My mind

Numb

My heart

A bottomless pit of sorrow

Anger courses through my veins

Bile floods the depths of my throat

Dejection pours from my soul

I gasp for breath

My mind

Quiets for an instant

My eyes meet yours

In silent demand

Can you not see what you’ve done?

I need to scream

Precious Skin

2010-07-20T17:52:00.001-07:00

Thickened blankets of shame

Smother me

Darkening everything

My heart is black

Tears bleed from my eyes

Screaming my pain

Until my voice finds no sound

It makes no difference

Doesn’t matter at all

You’ll never be satisfied

I’m not the monster

You’ve painted me to be

Even now as I lay

Entangled in your blanket of shame

You’ll never acknowledge my pain

Continue your punishing tirade

Be careful not to touch

I may soil your precious skin

Even though I’m truly

A manifestation of your sin

Battle

2010-07-13T11:29:00.002-07:00

Two powerful energies

Fight a battle of familiar misery

Entangled in a war

Their purpose unclear

Yet they persist

Tempting the Gods

Tempting each other

Damning their souls

There is no rhyme

There is no reason

No solution in what they seek

Seemingly doomed

Crashing into one another

For eternity

Bathing in ambivalence

Vast passion compels them

To battle, to hold on

Ignoring all the rules

The seduction of power

Consumes all things between them

What is it they seek?

Could it be, simply

Understanding?

Hope Dies

2010-07-08T20:25:00.002-07:00

Cold in my watery grave

Darkness encroaches

Surrounding all sides of me

A familiar ghost keeps watch

Mocking me

Tattered threads of hope

Float inside this final resting place

Undying amounts of disappointment

Encapsulate my remains

Broken and battered

Damaged by my own hands

Cracks in my armor

Reveal vulnerability

My last appeal unanswered

Hope dies

Along with my heart

Formerly given

Without restraint

By me

Looking Glass

2010-07-06T00:53:00.002-07:00

What’s behind your eyes,

Seized under lock and key?

What secrets do you hold

Within the pools of your soul?

Don’t fear your truth.

It doesn’t define you, as you believe.

Turn to the looking glass,

That’s where I’ll be.

Tell me your stories.

I’m listening.

In them, there’s beauty.

You will see.

It’s all just a memory.

Not the designation of who you’re meant to be.

Behind your eyes,

Lingers truth and vulnerability.

Turn to my looking glass,

I will set you free.

Haunting Lullaby

2010-06-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

Hate you?

I can’t

Though I’ve tried

I miss too much of you

The laughter

The joking

The smile meant just for me

Your memory won’t

Let me sleep

Visions of you assault my dreams

A haunting lullaby

Lingers in my mind

I never meant for things to end

The method in which they did

A time wrapped in madness

I never intended

For you to hate me

Hate who you became

While with me

You’re not gone from me

I know you wish to be

I’m baffled

By the quickness

In which I’m gone from you

No…

I don’t hate you

I can’t

Though I’ve tried

Sweet Memories

2010-06-19T23:14:00.001-07:00

Visions of you

Hovering over me

A glimpse of past sensations

Run through my core

Beckoning me

Coaxing free lust

Concealed in shadows

Holding sweet memories

Gasping for air

Begging for more

Tempting

Teasing

Whispering

Do you miss the taste of me?

Bitter Frost

2010-06-18T15:37:00.008-07:00

I’m known as

The Ice Queen

Hard and cold

Ruling upon my throne

My kingdom held secure

Surrounded by frozen walls

Those locked outside

Feel my bitter frost

And cast their stones

Attempting to rupture

Barriers held safe

“She’s bitter without a heart”

They chant

Am I?

Yes… I believe I may be

My warmth felt and shared

With only those worthy of me

My love and care

My loyalty

Steadfast in my honor

Ruthless in my defense

With frozen beauty

Reflected in my sword

I gaze upon unworthy fools

Those who’ve forgotten

Those who push away

Warmth penetrating

Ice and frost

Melting away fears

Loneliness and Apathy

You speak as though you know my soul

Do you?

Allow me to introduce myself

I am YOUR Ice Queen

Hard and cold

Once revered

Once loved

Still upon my throne

Pursuit

2010-06-16T23:54:00.003-07:00

Venomous lullabies

Ooze from my veins

Open and bleeding

Anger…Resentment…Hatred

Real reactions

Unreal emotions

Pain being verity

Hurt masks itself

In passive aggressive

Vindictiveness

Pursuit of justification

There is no end

What is it

God seeks from me?

Wants for me?

Much more than

What I seek for myself

Self righteous demonstrations

Of self

Selfish…Self-Centered

Yet God still loves me

Right where I stand

Patiently waiting

For my surrender

His will

Not mine

Recognizing that love

Still exists

If I just turn around

It Was Me

2010-06-16T20:00:00.002-07:00

Did you think it was you?
Did you wonder why he didn’t want you?
Did you dream of him?
Did you wish?
Did you hope?
Did you pray?

Every minute?
Every day?

It could never be you.
Deep down you already knew.
It was me.
I bet you wish.
You could’ve been me.
Though you’ll never be.

Blackened

2010-06-10T17:35:00.004-07:00

Wallowing in me

Huddled in a soothing

Embrace of self…

Selfishness

Self-centered

Self…

I’ve no idea

Who or what

I will be

When I’m gone

Will I find lucidity?

Each direction I turn

Walls close slowly

Devouring the last of my sanity

Everything dead

Blackened

Painted by your hand

Fleeting moments of clarity

In between monotonous

Decomposing memories

I’m quite certain

You’re alone

Rotting and cold

Coloring the walls of the box

Containing your soul

Wallowing in you

Huddled in a soothing

Embrace of the box

Remembering who

I thought you were

Melancholy

2010-06-09T18:10:00.002-07:00

Two hearts

Lost in indifference

Wandering

Seeking solace

Hidden within forbidden fruit

Temptation

Entangled and revealed

Reaching into the fire

Beholding an illusion

Melting into one another

Perforating

Facades in keeping

Sharing secrets

Held behind

Walls of protection

Suffering self imposed

Melancholy

Taking comfort

In their obstinance

Finding a false

Reverie

Smoldering in the flame

Singeing their lips

Suckling a fantasy

Now steeped in ash

Scattered to the winds

Two hearts

Lost in eternity

A Child

2010-06-09T18:05:00.002-07:00

Tear my heart

From my chest

It beats no more

Broken in pieces

Floating inside my soul

I trusted

A laughable fool

A child

Believing all I was told

Transparency

In my smile

Given freely

For all to behold

But no more

My spirit gone dark

One last flicker of hope

Held afloat

Snuffed out and gone

Your Reflection (posted for a friend)

2010-06-07T21:50:00.009-07:00

I've posted this poem on behalf of a friend. She asked me not to reveal her name. If you are interested and want to know who she is you may email me. 1wookiesgirl(@)gmail(.)com. With her permission of course I'll reveal her identity.

I have to say this woman has become a blessing to me. We are new friends, fast friends. God seems to have put her in my life at just the right time. We've held each other up and having her in my life has meant the world to me.

This poem she wrote spoke clearly to my soul. I had to share it with you and she kindly agreed to let me.

I want to say... Thank You my friend!

Thanks for being a light for me as I've walked through the darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your Reflection

I gave you transparency
But your capability
Only allowed you to see
Your craven self in me

Oh, you know me so well
Convinced beyond a doubt
It’s not me, my plea
You couldn’t believe
My faults were your own
How could they be?
Only a mirror you trust you’d believe
And that mirror was not me.

Cursing blue streaks, black streaks, pale
My countenance betraying everything
Venom deadlier than any strike
You struck me
Culpable me
Abusive me
You tell me out of love

My Prison

2010-06-06T00:17:00.001-07:00

Trapped and cold

My breath forms

Frozen rings of steam

Along the glass wall I’m trapped behind

My lungs burn and ache

My screams

Bounce back at me

Your name echoes inside my ears

Penetrating my emptiness

Pounding my fists

Stomping my feet

A child before you

Retaliating

My tantrum is all you perceive

You’re mistaken

Validation is what I seek

The balm I believe I need

One sign

One message

Anything resembling

Once thought truth and promises

Something I can again believe

Instead my soul dies

Shut away in this cold place

My prison

Erected and sealed

Out of sight

Out of mind

Turning your back

Leaving me to freeze

To beg and plead

To suffer

Slowly suffocating

My luster gone

My passion extinguished

Till there’s nothing left of me

Sunshine

2010-06-04T22:55:00.001-07:00

Glowing tranquility

Whispers to me

Sifting through recollections

Past love half complete

Unknown circumstance

Enticing my spirit

I pine to feel your sun

Brightness

Encircling me

I yearn

And I crave the light

It settles me

Harmony contained inside

Last summers dream

Your smile

Your heart

The sunshine to me

My Sadness

2010-06-01T22:54:00.004-07:00

Suffocating

Inside this

Straitjacket

Containing my mind

Winds blow

An ever present

Scent of you

Caressing my grief

My sadness

Keeping me company

Overwhelmed with need

For your familiarity

Alone in this place

With only my mind

Smothered by

An ever present

Memory of you

Tarnished

2010-05-30T00:29:00.003-07:00

Sweetness and vulnerability.

Sharing so much of me,

With little left to give.

Anything and all you need.

This, the very essence of me.

Mistaken claims of sincerity.

Actually, lies once told by me.

The twin,

You thought you knew.

Truth or imaginary?

This, the very brand of me.

Which is it you prefer I be?

The mirror is tarnished.

Polish it,

Won’t you please?

Stop pretending you see so clearly.

Justly, I believed your stories in my mind.

This, the very darkness in me.

A stranger,

To everyone who sees me.

Loving? Caring? Giving?

The truth is…

I’m selfish.

Who do you see?

Me or your twin?

This, the very essence of me.

Wished You Away

2010-05-26T00:48:00.003-07:00

Do you enjoy

The silence I scream

It’s meant to blister

To contradict

The words you scream at me

I can’t hear you

But you’re listening

I’ve turned you off

Wished you away

Out of my mind

You fly

Into the deep blue night

Rain falls

From your broken heart

Never penetrating

The cold cavern

Where my heart used to be

Wallow in the silence

Your madness

Is quite delicious to me

It feeds my reasoning

You’re dead to me

Communion of Sin

2010-05-25T10:25:00.002-07:00

Tainted divinity

Drink of me

Cool fingers

Scathe my skin

Dominate every piece of me

Sanctify my body

Satisfy your need

My will is yours

Passion so potent

Ignited by your touch

Hot lips and tongue

Leave me grappling for sanity

Your warmth breaches me

Devouring my offering

In communion of sin

Desperate for control

Feel me die

Loving in extremes

Nothing in between

Resurrect me

Yours eternally

Shattered

2010-05-24T17:12:00.002-07:00

Winds of change

Howl my name

I run into the storm

Thunder rages

Rain falls all around me

Bartering for my soul

With righteous intensity

Lightening strikes

Stopping my heart

Shattering me

A million pieces

Once me

Scatter to the wind

Crying out for salvation

Falling to my knees

Who is it you command me to be

Sightless

Without fear

I am free

The rain slows

The wind retreats

Only peace

Fractured but complete

What remains is me

I am reborn

Duplicity

2010-05-22T00:34:00.005-07:00

Hypocrisy

Displayed in your spiteful smirk

Duplicity

Fostered in vast lunacy

Withdraw and hide

Shy away from me

The well has run dry

Air you can’t breathe

Eyes you won’t see

The truth you can’t speak

Cowering behind

Your fabrication

Protesting too much

It’s YOU they see

Not…ME

She Burns

2010-05-20T19:06:00.002-07:00

Judge and jury

Her executioner

Condemn the witch

Serve her up

For all to see

Cast your stones

Deliver your worst

Those without sin

Should be the first

God’s cautioning

At the stake she burns

Is there truth

In the lies

You’ll never be sure

The witch

Dies before you

Her voice won’t be heard

Fallacy

2010-05-12T15:55:00.002-07:00

From perdition I emerge

Wearing a painted grin

Grinding my teeth

Scales of fabrication

Protecting raw bones

No salvation

My delusion complete

A fallacy

In place of me

Me?

There is no me

Yet I’m all you see

Threading the Needle

2010-05-07T22:35:00.002-07:00

Your words

Or lack thereof

Cut wounds

Deep within my soul

Broken pieces

Swallowed down

Slicing lines of disrespect

Seething bile in my throat

The forgotten fool

Sitting in my seat

Once me

Careful where you step

Your damage complete

Vomiting my pain

At your feet

I have no dignity

I’ve lost all grace

Threading the needle for a torn heart

Your words

Or lack thereof

Say everything

And nothing at all

I Dream

2010-05-06T17:45:00.002-07:00

Tossing and turning in my bed

My headache rages

Fueled by loneliness and pain

Anguish bubbles

Running down my cheeks

Staining the pillow beneath me

Words whisper in my mind

Yours and mine

The sheets cold where you should be

Only darkness

Your light hidden from me

Desperation

Pulls me under

Wrestling me to sleep

Then I dream

I dream

A nightmare

A fantasy

This is where you’re real to me

Breath on my skin

Your body pressed close to mine

I’m breathing

But it’s not real

Awakened again in my misery

Shivering

Cold reality returns to me

My nightmare

My fantasy

Praying to a God not listening

Tossing and turning in my lunacy

My Victim

2010-05-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Raging wars of

Love and hate

Turmoil

Angst

Hiding inside

My invisible mind

Blood

Thick with venom

Runs through me

Seeking you

My victim

You’re no match for me

Lick your lips

Your body craves me

You’ll scream my name

Buried inside

The heat of me

My temple

Sin

Deceit

Whispers your name

Come inside

Sweet

Raging wars of

Love and hate

Unwavering

2010-05-03T15:02:00.003-07:00

What is love?

Loving unconditionally…

Tell me what do you see?

When you look at me…

What defines me?

Loyalty?

Humility?

Someone once told me I had

Tenacity…

My capacity to love,

Unwavering…

So many things I seek.

Will you be enough?

Will you ever be what I need you to be?

I’ve given you all of me.

That’s how I love…

Didn’t you know I couldn’t be

Anything but,

What you needed me to be?

Unconditionally…

Tenaciously…

Loving you completely.

I no longer serve your needs,

Yet I hold on.

Willingly…

You hide yourself from me.

Who am I now…

When you look at me?

I’ve become…

Unrecognizable, even to me.

Tears

2010-04-28T21:20:00.004-07:00

So far from where we once were.

Lines defined long ago.

Easily crossed and left behind.

The path so well designed.

Now cluttered with foot prints of pain.

A shadow of my former self.

Through my tears I can no longer see.

What it is that you saw in me.

My heart is strangled in a noose.

The bitter taste of loss.

An all consuming catch twenty two.

A thousand wishes riddle my mind.

Memories of a time now gone.

Basking in the shelter of you.

Hearts no longer combined.

So far from where we once were.

Calling My Name

2010-04-27T00:09:00.003-07:00

The wave

Crashes over me

Struggling

Crying out

Reaching for something

Anything to hold on to

Coming up for air

Just in time

Another wave

Pulls me under

Swallowing mouthfuls

The pain

Fascinating

Calling my name

Enticing and romancing me

Praying for

Release

God set me free

Hopeless

2010-04-25T23:27:00.002-07:00

Darkness all around me

I call out your name

There is no sound

Lost and alone

Emptiness surrounds me

I’ve lost my way

Beaten into submission

I’m hopeless

Everything is gone

No other choice

I’ve given you the ball

Run the show

With outstretched arms

I beg you

Answer me

Please...