My heart is heavy tonight. I am unsure why...
There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.
I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?
The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.
So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.
I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...
Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.
I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.