And Still...

Photo credit: Blackman Whitelife

There is no air

For me to breathe

There is no light

To guide my way

The flowers don't bloom

My world is dark

Only my mind is bright

With pictures of you

That look in your eyes

Meant only for me

Chemistry binding

Skin mixed with sin

Soul and heart 

Spirits entwined

Until death do us part

But there was no death

Yet my broken heart 

Continues to beat

Even when there is no air

And still...

You manage to breathe

Jagged Shards

I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Discovering each other’s masks
Our many different faces

Carefully carved lines
Marked the path we
Trespassed
Keeping us safe
Yet trapping us
Bestriding the bond
Over a cavern of sin

Connecting fantasies
Dreams and nightmares
Indulging in wants
We shouldn't have
Taking what we pleased
In spite of consequence
Damning sanity

Breathing deep
Every moment
Each touch
Fire raged between us
An uncontrollable heat
Singeing our lips
With each passing kiss

Such intense emotion
At times neglected
Leaving my heart raw
In a defenseless state
Blurring the lines
In the blink of an eye
Between love and hate

The result could only be
Heartache
Broken dreams
Sweet hours of conversation
Now silenced by misery
Riding our merry-go-round
We twirled

Sitting quietly became
A deliberate punishment
Yours or mine
Who’s to say
Amidst hurt feelings
And indifference
It’s all the same

Leaving me behind
In this broken state
All things sacred
Left in jagged shards
Crushed in justifiable
Yet uncalled for
Disdain

There is no glue
No way to repair
The broken mirror
Replicating me
A thousand different ways
There is no more pain
No blood left to bleed

The pretty mess
I willingly let you
Make of me
Do you see what I see?
Horrified by all
The memories
You stole from me

Can you still feel me?
Like you used to
Thoughts of you still haunt me
Do thoughts of me haunt you?
I suppose
It doesn’t really matter
If they do

Still
I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Do you?

My Bubble

A bubble is made
Of such fragile
Material
Thin and transparent
Defying gravity
Flitting from
Surface to sky
Gleaming in the sunlight
My bubble
Withstands storms
Callous skies
And Rocky ground
It floats
It persists
And remains intact
Heavy and weighed down
My bubble
Seems made from
Impenetrable steel
Yet still
Thin and transparent
Inside it I exist
Looking out
Watching you
As you look in
Watching me
I want to know
How can it remain
What would it take
For you
To burst my bubble
The one you helped create
And reinforce
For me
To finally touch
To feel
To taste
And to finally know
What my bubble was
Created to mean
If not for anything
But maybe
To finally set me free

Great Divide

You’re stirring
On the other side
Of our great divide
Your movements slow
Unpredictable
Your face a sullen mask
Once displaying anger
And now melancholy
I’m never certain
Which it will be
Please don’t
Don’t attempt to cross
The tattered bridge that
Still holds our souls connection
You’ll fall…we’ll fall
And I no longer wish to
Still too fragile and unable
To say no
The once beautiful waters
Have receded
Leaving nothing but
Scars in the walls that
Once held it true
A mass of wounds
Healing yet not healed
It’s not wise to disturb
The fresh balance achieved
Flowers will bloom again
Without the water
They once craved
My fragile line
Has been drawn
Stay on your side
Of our great divide
Your guilty hands
Can only bring harm

I Heard Them Clearly

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
Your cunning cutting tongue
Slices my spoiled heart

My promises made
Were promises kept
And I’m still standing here
Holding foolishly
To a single strand of hope

Watching you walk away
Carrying the air I breathe
Wondering when you’ll love me again
Waiting for you to remember
Why you loved me before

Take with you as you go
The love I gave freely
Distort the depictions
Of you and me
Destroy our memory

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
“I don’t want you anymore”
I assure you I heard them clearly

Words

Winds whisper your words to me
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways

Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat
Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be

Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains

The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you

Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me

If Only...

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try

If only
If only you still wanted me
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before

Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me

If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool

If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed

Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me

The Ache

Where do we go when we’re left alone? When the things we want or wish for are taken from us and the pain becomes so great that there is no room for anything but the ache?

It consumes everything.

How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.

I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.

A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.

You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.

“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words

“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.

Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.

It’s consuming everything.

Just Me

Standing alone
Though many faces
Exist around me
In this house
Full of painted scenes
Loneliness still wins
My screaming mind
Rises above
Registers attention
From none
Arms stretched out
Seeking comfort
I’m lost
Please
Silence my pleas
Just me
Alone and waiting
For a single
Special essence
The healing balm
That quiets my
Aching dreams

We

My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone

Worthy

I gave up
Gave in
I’d given enough
My heart misses you
My mind rejects you
It still hurts
Raw skin burns
My love ran deep
Fierce and loyal
More than you deserved
It was a game for you
Nothing more
I begged
On my knees
Pleaded
You presented
Only shameful apathy
I should have seen
But in the beginning
I was struck blind
Mesmerized
By your sweet eyes
Clever words
Your lying smile
No longer worthy
Remember I used to be?
Finally I see clearly
It was you
Who wasn’t worthy of me

Willingly

Reality flickers brightly
On an unfamiliar road

Starbursts blossoming
Tears blur everything

Unsteady in my course
Unsure of my beginning

Open wounds
Still raw

One step forward
Two back

It seems
I’m forever trapped

Deeply yearning inside
Maybe for all time

I fell and cracked in pieces
Cluttering the ground before you

Shattering the window
I had always stared through

Seeking your soul
A vortex promising nothing

You let me go
Willingly

How I wish it had been
Regretfully

Does it matter to you that I’m gone?
It matters to me

The Memory

I sit and gaze
Inside the looking glass
It reflects clearly a time
Long since past
Overflowing with memories
Your smiling eyes
Linger before me
Your voice clear
A lullaby in my mind
The feel of your mouth
Pressed softly to mine
Our arms wrapped tightly
In a lovers embrace
A smile graces your lips
A giggle escapes mine
Twirling and laughing
The reverie of our play
Inspires a smile
This is what I needed
What I longed for
Watching the memory
Reaching out
My fingers find
The coolness of the glass
Lingering briefly
The image blurs
I am reminded once again
What I see is the past
A moment in time
A solitary window
Reflecting
My current reality

Insignificant

When did understanding
Become sullen ambiguity?
My heart beats
An unsteady cadence
Beseeching you
Misery
Adorns my cheeks
Staining my skin
Will my surrender be enough
To atone for my iniquity?
There is no defense for me
My fallible humanity
A shadow of a rose
Insignificant
Pale and worn
Broken and torn
Craving your light
Seeking forgiveness
So necessary
For only you
Can restore
The beauty once
Radiating from me

Precious Skin

Thickened blankets of shame

Smother me

Darkening everything

My heart is black

Tears bleed from my eyes

Screaming my pain

Until my voice finds no sound

It makes no difference

Doesn’t matter at all

You’ll never be satisfied

I’m not the monster

You’ve painted me to be

Even now as I lay

Entangled in your blanket of shame

You’ll never acknowledge my pain

Continue your punishing tirade

Be careful not to touch

I may soil your precious skin

Even though I’m truly

A manifestation of your sin

My heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I am unsure why...

There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.

I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?

The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.

So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.

I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...

Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.

I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.

The Morning after

There you were...You had come back to me.

You filled my night with attention and affection.
You fawned over me.
It was wondrous, glorious and everything I've been missing.
The ache in my chest that had become a constant companion was gone.
I was soaring so high.

I love it when you talk to me.
When you pay attention to me it seems that I am everything.
Everything else slips away and there is only me.

We talked and laughed all night. You told me all the things that you have been doing, everything that I've been missing.
You smiled at me.

You listened with excitement to all my stories. Eager to here everything I had to say.

With one quick word from you all my pain and loneliness had vanished.
Can we begin again?

I sighed with the relief of knowing that it would all be okay; That you might love and want me again.

I could breathe; I was happy.

I awoke in the morning. The ache and the loneliness was there again...

My head was screaming
No. No. NO!

It was a dream. Only a dream.

I curled into a ball.
Wrapping myself in my blankets, holding my pillows for dear life.
My heart wouldn't stop racing.
Missing you and wanting you once more.

Will you ever come back? Will I never again feel your light shining on my face and in my heart?

I sob and hold on for dear life to the last remnants of my dream.
You loved me there, I was safe there with you holding me.

Will this ever end?