Jagged Shards

I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Discovering each other’s masks
Our many different faces

Carefully carved lines
Marked the path we
Trespassed
Keeping us safe
Yet trapping us
Bestriding the bond
Over a cavern of sin

Connecting fantasies
Dreams and nightmares
Indulging in wants
We shouldn't have
Taking what we pleased
In spite of consequence
Damning sanity

Breathing deep
Every moment
Each touch
Fire raged between us
An uncontrollable heat
Singeing our lips
With each passing kiss

Such intense emotion
At times neglected
Leaving my heart raw
In a defenseless state
Blurring the lines
In the blink of an eye
Between love and hate

The result could only be
Heartache
Broken dreams
Sweet hours of conversation
Now silenced by misery
Riding our merry-go-round
We twirled

Sitting quietly became
A deliberate punishment
Yours or mine
Who’s to say
Amidst hurt feelings
And indifference
It’s all the same

Leaving me behind
In this broken state
All things sacred
Left in jagged shards
Crushed in justifiable
Yet uncalled for
Disdain

There is no glue
No way to repair
The broken mirror
Replicating me
A thousand different ways
There is no more pain
No blood left to bleed

The pretty mess
I willingly let you
Make of me
Do you see what I see?
Horrified by all
The memories
You stole from me

Can you still feel me?
Like you used to
Thoughts of you still haunt me
Do thoughts of me haunt you?
I suppose
It doesn’t really matter
If they do

Still
I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Do you?

Locked Door

A glittering halo
Once surrounded me
Bright and forgiving
Now gone
Bent and broken
Blackened by reality
Part of my heart died
The consequence of letting you go
Vast emptiness
Stark and cold
Deep inside
I stand alone
Broken
The door is closed
The lock engaged
And still
Love and compassion remains
You are
And always will be
Mine
My heart
My breath…
Mine eternally
When I dream
I see you and feel you
Our souls coalesce
As they’ve always done
Then I wake
So far from you
So far from where we once were
Consumed by the ache
Existing half alive
Knowing all is as it should be
The evidence of you
Is stamped upon my soul
Alone
Missing you
Behind my locked door

** I wrote this poem for @christel42 to honor National Poetry Month and posted on her blog. She's a wonderful friend and writer. Thank You Christel.**

Love

My mind clamors to escape
Visions battle
Of love
Of hate
Twisting spinning
Who will win this useless race?
Love is in the lead
A smile is all it takes
He holds her close
Coaxing her heart
From its hiding place
Heaven and Hell
Are one in the same
As his demeanor begins to change
Hate smothers love
Spoiling her foolish faith
Crumbs of lies litter her space
Soiling the gift she makes
Another round we go
Tell the Devil we said hello
No end to the cruelty of his soul
Sweet hate prevails
And finally takes
Love’s place

Words

Winds whisper your words to me
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways

Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat
Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be

Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains

The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you

Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me

Regret Filled Moon

The image of you crosses before me
And leaves devastation in its wake
Your face has branded itself upon my soul
My heart

I’m forgotten, cast aside as I lie
Awake in the dreadful silence of my mind
My tears are hot and never ending. Each one
A memory, a regret, a smile
I’ve died inside

A shell of who I thought I knew myself to be
Confused by happenings, abandoned by fate
No choice, no voice but the whisper in my mind
Reminding me of the fool you let me be
I’ve searched tirelessly for you but all I find
Around every turn is the same
Vanilla sky and the blue regret filled moon

The Ache

Where do we go when we’re left alone? When the things we want or wish for are taken from us and the pain becomes so great that there is no room for anything but the ache?

It consumes everything.

How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.

I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.

A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.

You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.

“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words

“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.

Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.

It’s consuming everything.

Safe From Me

 

Who am I

Who should I be

I’ve been lost and found

In the space of one moment in time

Yet at the core of my distress

My confusion

I find me

Who I used to be

But still am

Truth, insanity, insecurity

A lover, a mother

A wife, a friend

A hopeless romantic

A fool

Someone I used to know

No longer someone I want to be

But me…alone

Forever dependent on you

Thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions

Love…

Why me

What could you possibly see in me

Is it the idea of me

What I used to be

Or what I am today

Who am I today

God – please help me

Help me uncover what I’m supposed to be

What you need me to be

Help me find the truth

Buried deep inside of me

I’m sick of this endless hallway

Sick of the pain that wraps around me

Like a second skin

I run and hide in the dark place

Within my heart

I’m safe there

Safe

From me

Drown Me

Venom slides
Down my throat
Choke and swallow
Scream
Fight the pain
Swirling in my gut
Bitterness coats
My insides
Burns then stains
My soul
Agony and dread
Surround me
Drown me
Disappointment
Deals a final blow
Silencing
My scream

3 Guest Poems by Tacoma Firefly

Here are 4 poems I am posting for a very old friend of mine. He goes by Tacoma Firefly. If we're lucky he'll start his own blog soon because I think there is much more where these came from.


We

We swim in the pool of honesty.
We dance on the clouds of truth.
We sing the songs of friendship.
We taunt with the ideas of tomorrow.
We stumble from the pains of yesterday.
We walk on the flames of lust.
We ride on the backs of heartache.
We feast on the fruit of trust.
We treasure our time together.
We sleep on the bed of dreams.

****

My One

Let me greet you at the banks of desire.
Let us swell in our lust for companionship.
Forgive me for my penetrating stare.
Take your breath.
Let not your passion heed to the thoughts of our past.
But instead embrace them knowing you’re not alone.
I migrate to the scent of your temptation.
Give in to my touch.
Spread open and surround me like the Gossamer rings of Jupiter.
My one is you and you are my one.

****

Pleasure or Pain

A pinch.
A prick.
A pound.
A pump.

A friend.
A finger.
A bite.
A bump.

A pill.
A tingle.
A dopamine dump.

A kiss.
A touch.
A spank on a rump.

We

My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone

Insignificant

When did understanding
Become sullen ambiguity?
My heart beats
An unsteady cadence
Beseeching you
Misery
Adorns my cheeks
Staining my skin
Will my surrender be enough
To atone for my iniquity?
There is no defense for me
My fallible humanity
A shadow of a rose
Insignificant
Pale and worn
Broken and torn
Craving your light
Seeking forgiveness
So necessary
For only you
Can restore
The beauty once
Radiating from me

The Corner

You must believe

I’m made of stone

My heart

Encased in steel

One look

I breathe

One touch

I’m free

One cruel word

Banishes me

Jettisoned

Orbiting misery

Heart clenched

Bracing me

Preemptively

I know too well the

Punishment I motivate

Silence you demonstrate

Gut wrenching pain

Pushes pink clouds away

Fostering darkened skies

Banished to the corner

Broken and torn

Somewhere inside

The depths of your mind

A dark corner

You’ve labeled mine

The Merry-Go-Round

Memories of oblivion

Swirl within my soul

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Around the merry-go-round

I fly

I’m sorry

Don’t cry

I promise I’m fine

I just need to hide

Behind crumbling walls

Water trickles constantly

Carving crevices

Gaps between

Weathered and worn

Broken stones

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Down the slippery slope

I slide

Catch me

Don’t let go

Watch as I fly

Just one more time

Around the merry-go-round

I ride

The Ugliest Girl in the World (guest post)

Hello everyone!

Here is a guest post from my very good friend @divine_pk. I hope you enjoy it.
I am honored to be able to share it with you.

I'm the ugliest girl in the world
I hide on the outside
With make up
With curls
When I'm thin people like me
Congratulations!
What an achievement
For abandoning myself
When I'm fat, people like me
Ugliness peeks through
So witty!
So smart!
So talented!
Thank god she's fat!
In between
Mother says with mother bias
What a pretty face
Father says with male bias
I'm an 8 out of 10
Thanks, Dad
Lovers know what I want to hear
But won't say
It will seem false
It will be false
After all
I am the ugliest girl in the world

Lovers compliment others
Words never said to me
For I am ugly
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd carve an X into my face
Diagonal
Right to left
Diagonal
Left to right
X-ed out
Then there would be no question
It's the wondering that kills me

Maybe, maybe it doesn't matter
Maybe, maybe I'm pretty
This woman lives in me, somewhere
Battling my ugly
Battered by my ugly
In me, two people who despise each other
No one sees my wounds
Agonizing wars, bitches brawl
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd cut them right out of my chest
Leaving a void
Where the pain was
A void
My ugly pain
MY ugly
Where would I be without my ugly?

Captured

Twisted threads of broken webs

Capture and bind

Pieces of my soul

Spun loosely around

My torn heart

Shattered memories

Carried away on winds

Whispering wishes

Heard though not fulfilled

Floating then falling

To an uncertain world

Yielding to defeat

Captured and bound

Within twisted webs

Contentment is found

Inside the pain

Numb

I need to scream

Until my voice is gone

Dig my nails into my skin

Until it bleeds

My mind

Numb

My heart

A bottomless pit of sorrow

Anger courses through my veins

Bile floods the depths of my throat

Dejection pours from my soul

I gasp for breath

My mind

Quiets for an instant

My eyes meet yours

In silent demand

Can you not see what you’ve done?

I need to scream

Precious Skin

Thickened blankets of shame

Smother me

Darkening everything

My heart is black

Tears bleed from my eyes

Screaming my pain

Until my voice finds no sound

It makes no difference

Doesn’t matter at all

You’ll never be satisfied

I’m not the monster

You’ve painted me to be

Even now as I lay

Entangled in your blanket of shame

You’ll never acknowledge my pain

Continue your punishing tirade

Be careful not to touch

I may soil your precious skin

Even though I’m truly

A manifestation of your sin

Threading the Needle

Your words

Or lack thereof

Cut wounds

Deep within my soul

Broken pieces

Swallowed down

Slicing lines of disrespect

Seething bile in my throat

The forgotten fool

Sitting in my seat

Once me

Careful where you step

Your damage complete

Vomiting my pain

At your feet

I have no dignity

I’ve lost all grace

Threading the needle for a torn heart

Your words

Or lack thereof

Say everything

And nothing at all

Calling My Name

The wave

Crashes over me

Struggling

Crying out

Reaching for something

Anything to hold on to

Coming up for air

Just in time

Another wave

Pulls me under

Swallowing mouthfuls

The pain

Fascinating

Calling my name

Enticing and romancing me

Praying for

Release

God set me free

Hopeless

Darkness all around me

I call out your name

There is no sound

Lost and alone

Emptiness surrounds me

I’ve lost my way

Beaten into submission

I’m hopeless

Everything is gone

No other choice

I’ve given you the ball

Run the show

With outstretched arms

I beg you

Answer me

Please...