Irony

This was something my son, Matthew, wrote back in July of 2014. I found it quite moving...maybe you will too.

 ~ ~ ~ 

His self-confidence waxes and wanes based on what niceties she chooses to allot him that day. How he chooses to use them is hardly sensible, adding a positive to a larger negative still produces a negative.

His immediate goal is to absorb the happiness and coerce her into giving him more. There is precious little time. If he can't make her love him now then he might miss his chance.

He checked his logic at the airport when he picked her up. Thinking objectively is to no avail, a boy loves a girl and wants his love reciprocated so badly, he is willing to change himself.

The great irony is he has no idea what she wants, he becomes a quiet, jealous, nervous, over thinker. He is making himself less attractive, he lays sleepless thinking about her while she dreams of a better tomorrow.

 Fuck...

Puzzle

Fantasies morph
Twisting dreams
Thoughtfully arranged
Displayed before you
Faded blue eyes
Without a face
Beckon me
Promising love
Connected belief
Unable to decipher
Truth from fiction
Missing puzzle pieces
Fill my pockets
Drowning in daydreams
Untangle the scene
Reveal what’s hiding
I need to believe
In something

Safe From Me

 

Who am I

Who should I be

I’ve been lost and found

In the space of one moment in time

Yet at the core of my distress

My confusion

I find me

Who I used to be

But still am

Truth, insanity, insecurity

A lover, a mother

A wife, a friend

A hopeless romantic

A fool

Someone I used to know

No longer someone I want to be

But me…alone

Forever dependent on you

Thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions

Love…

Why me

What could you possibly see in me

Is it the idea of me

What I used to be

Or what I am today

Who am I today

God – please help me

Help me uncover what I’m supposed to be

What you need me to be

Help me find the truth

Buried deep inside of me

I’m sick of this endless hallway

Sick of the pain that wraps around me

Like a second skin

I run and hide in the dark place

Within my heart

I’m safe there

Safe

From me

Blurred

Lines of certainty
Appear blurred
Stretched out among
Miles of unknown territory
Before my eyes
Nothing feels consistent
Self awareness
A distant memory
Distorted thoughts
Govern everything
Impairing judgment
I no longer trust
My own beliefs
Mindless moments
Crowded with insecurity
Who am I
Now that you’re gone
Who will I be

Futile Struggle

No weakness
To be found
Within these walls
Erected long ago
Set firmly in place
No match for
Heart and mind
Especially mine
I’ve grown tired
Weary from this battle
A futile struggle
Unable to sustain
My soul is heavy
Filled with self loathing
Confusing love and hate
Dying a thousand deaths
In search of that which
Does not wish to be found
Miles upon miles
Manipulating God's
Orchestration of fate
Trudging a path
Riddled with bones
Withstanding tests of time
Foolishly believing it was mine

Reaching

Body bare
before you
my eyes open
and old
misery
hides within my
heart
heavy
feelings linger
telling tales
full of
lies and lust
reaching
begging
who stands
before me
I no longer
know those
eyes I see
full of despair
behind weepy
walls of
contradiction
you hide
your heart from
mine
Let me in

Obligation

It's you again.
I remember you.

Such a familiar face.
Such a familiar tone.

I know your hate.
I know the venom you spew.

You were always this way.
But you don't remember do you?

You've got an excuse now.
No need for an apology.

Your waves of insanity crash over me.
I sputter and cough, trying to catch my breath.

You don't know do you?
You can't see can you?

You hurt and harm me.
Tear me to shreds with your words.

Don't worry, I'll stay.
Give you what's left of me.

Feed you. Bathe you.
Love you and hate you.

Nothing you want.
Everything that you need.

My heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I am unsure why...

There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.

I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?

The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.

So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.

I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...

Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.

I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.