Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Is that so hard to believe? I suppose so considering how much we used to fight.
When I close my eyes I can see you as you once were. You were a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. The smartest woman I have ever known.
You had your own demons of course; You wrestled with them your whole life.
Most times by choice.
I hated that you wouldn't be rid of them.
I hated you.
You loved me and you wanted me. There were times when you couldn't take care of yourself, so I took care of us both. Our roles were reversed then as they are now.
I look at you. I can't believe my eyes. You are so small, so fragile.
Lost in your mind.
Gone from me forever.
It's horrible to watch you wither away. To know that this is how it is and that it will only get worse from here. Slowly but surely you will disappear...
Your body will be present but your mind will be gone.
I will take care of you. I will love you, bathe you and feed until that time when your body finally gives in.
I love you, Mommy.
Monday, August 24, 2009
There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.
I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?
The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.
So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.
I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...
Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.
I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
You filled my night with attention and affection.
You fawned over me.
It was wondrous, glorious and everything I've been missing.
The ache in my chest that had become a constant companion was gone.
I was soaring so high.
I love it when you talk to me.
When you pay attention to me it seems that I am everything.
Everything else slips away and there is only me.
We talked and laughed all night. You told me all the things that you have been doing, everything that I've been missing.
You smiled at me.
You listened with excitement to all my stories. Eager to here everything I had to say.
With one quick word from you all my pain and loneliness had vanished.
Can we begin again?
I sighed with the relief of knowing that it would all be okay; That you might love and want me again.
I could breathe; I was happy.
I awoke in the morning. The ache and the loneliness was there again...
My head was screaming
No. No. NO!
It was a dream. Only a dream.
I curled into a ball.
Wrapping myself in my blankets, holding my pillows for dear life.
My heart wouldn't stop racing.
Missing you and wanting you once more.
Will you ever come back? Will I never again feel your light shining on my face and in my heart?
I sob and hold on for dear life to the last remnants of my dream.
You loved me there, I was safe there with you holding me.
Will this ever end?
I cant stand this feeling. Being inside my own skin is hell.
I am empty.
I cannot breathe.
I love you and hate you at the same time.
I hate myself always.
I despise what I have become.
You give me nothing and everything and it is never enough.
I am left with feelings of doubt and self loathing.
Alone in my mind wondering what I did wrong.
How can I make it better? How can I make you love me more.
You wont give me an inch for fear that I will take a mile.
You are right, I will take a mile.
I will take everything you are.
I will bleed you dry and it will never be enough.
You can never be enough.
My insides are empty.
I have no idea who I am or what I want to be.
Are you the next victim?
Will you be the one that is enough to make me feel OK in my own skin?
The ones that have come before you have all fallen short.
Are you willing to risk everything that you are; to be bled dry in hopes that you are enough?
Will you try and fill up my God sized hole; the hole that resides where my heart used to be?
Are you my new God?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I sit here alone in my head, wondering to myself: How did I get here?
Looking around at all my random thoughts and feelings.
Far too many to list, I dare only share a few.
Hurt, Confusion, Joy, Sadness, Excitement, Exhaustion.
How could I have been so blind?
How could I have been so stupid?
I tricked myself into thinking things would be okay.
I am a fool, such a fool.
It has been a long time since I had these kinds of thoughts and feelings.
They’re not easy to handle.
What should I do?
How do I bundle them up and put them back in their places.
There are too many of them.
The mind is a dangerous neighborhood to play in.
I have been warned NEVER to go there alone; yet here I sit.
Alone in my head, drowning a sea of thoughts and emotions.
It’s dark and lonely and I can’t seem to keep my head above the water.
Swimming through the wreckage before me, I am shocked and overwhelmed at the site of two old friends; expectation and disappointment.
It's been a while since I’ve seen either of them.
How interesting it is to me that they still hang around, forever present, for the long haul it seems.
I should have known that they would both still be together.
Forever patient; waiting to be awakened.
We were such close friends in the past. Playing games with each other.
Seeking situations that allowed me to wallow in my own self pity.
The good old days are long gone now. I no longer see them as friends.
I would rather shove them under the water and drown them.
I remember with clarity now... I see how they brought me no relief, no peace.
They keep calling to me and I find that I cannot turn away. I hate them and love them at the same time.
Oh look there’s confusion again. Rearing its ugly head and silently begging to be paid attention to.
These emotions run rampant in my head. The thoughts that accompany them are maddening.
I suppose I’ll be here for a while longer. I’m not ready to part from my old companions. They feel like an old worn blanket, wrapping them selves around every part of me until I feel as though I might suffocate.