Monday, August 24, 2009

My heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I am unsure why...

There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.

I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?

The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.

So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.

I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...

Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.

I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.


  1. that door will open, you are where you need to be right now. I and all of your friends will love you through it....

  2. Um, did you write this for me because that's exactly how I fucking feel right now!

    Apparently, we're going through something similar, although caused by different aspects of life. Only you have faith in something I do not any longer.

  3. The restlessness is infuriating. Peace and patience certainly take their time. Best of luck. When all else fails, breathe.

  4. I've come to the conclusion that if we keep waiting for tomorrow, we're missing today. Take some time to give to yourself. I mean like sketch stuff. Write a little, longhand, in an idyllic setting.

    You're not in the hallway. You just stepped outside for a breather. That room is there for you and you only.

  5. I see so much of this in the world today, and perhaps it is the ushering in of the digital age that may be causing it, or assisting with its influence, I am uncertain.

    So many people unhappy. So many people hurting. If I had a heart still, and perhaps I do, I would simply assume that the internet is an evil thing, necessary in this day and age, but addictive, much as a drug would be. I think humans should reconnect. In the flesh.

    Of course, I am nothing but an old rambling senior myself. Take it as you wish. I do agree with my writer. Life is what you make of it.

    To add to her thought. Your room can be as decorated or as Spartan (perish the bloody thought) as you like.

  6. Exactly what Jinx said! Holy crap! This is how I am feeling too! Something in the water? Ha-ha!
    I can be the most patient person with others, but with myself? No patience at all! My feelings will make me squirm until I work them out. If only I could have the instant gratification I so desire. Now! I want serenity now!
    You have a way with words and telling, you continually speak my to my heart. I look forward to each new entry.
    I am again, so grateful for you, that you are in my life.

  7. Ugh, gotta go with M. Get to decorating. I want to come by again soon. ;)

  8. the path is the journey we get to be on today-- I am glad you are on the path.