This was something my son, Matthew, wrote back in July of 2014. I found it quite moving...maybe you will too.
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His self-confidence waxes and wanes based on what niceties she chooses to allot him that day. How he chooses to use them is hardly sensible, adding a positive to a larger negative still produces a negative.
His immediate goal is to absorb the happiness and coerce her into giving him more.
There is precious little time.
If he can't make her love him now then he might miss his chance.
He checked his logic at the airport when he picked her up. Thinking objectively is to no avail, a boy loves a girl and wants his love reciprocated so badly, he is willing to change himself.
The great irony is he has no idea what she wants, he becomes a quiet, jealous, nervous, over thinker. He is making himself less attractive, he lays sleepless thinking about her while she dreams of a better tomorrow.
Unconditional gifts Conditioning me Inside my eyes My hardness you see An empty soul Simply incomplete Weeping hearts Oozing sweet Tender extremes Giving more Always more Unrealized dreams Floating on clouds Hidden in your sky Remembering my Cinnamon fantasies Begging for blessings Bestowed by me Mistaken expectations Forfeited for Anything received
Layers of tattered papers Hold penned sonnets Long since expected Declaring love Whispered promises Devotions to keep Letters received One followed by another Spinning fairy tales Crafted from whimsy Tied neatly in a bow Cleverly lined with gold Now worn from hours Of recitation Committing each word To my heart shaped box Of memories Your cherished notes Ceased long ago As did anticipated hope There would be One more Read by moons light These shadowed words Display differently For now I see The fallacy played A story believed Conjuring my desire To set them free To be carried away Upon stolen winds Sent back From where they came
Warm flesh Heart and soul Keeping time within A calming pulse My voice An affectionate melody Inside your mind Trust and dignity Sarcasm dipped in humor And bits of insanity Wrapped up complete Packaged with sweets Arms stretched out Willing to be held Soft and tender Against my breast Embracing reality I’m real for you You Every part of me My wish A single hope Be real for me Me
I sit here alone in my head, wondering to myself: How did I get here?
Looking around at all my random thoughts and feelings.
Far too many to list, I dare only share a few.
Hurt, Confusion, Joy, Sadness, Excitement, Exhaustion.
How could I have been so blind?
How could I have been so stupid?
I tricked myself into thinking things would be okay.
I am a fool, such a fool.
It has been a long time since I had these kinds of thoughts and feelings.
They’re not easy to handle.
What should I do?
How do I bundle them up and put them back in their places.
There are too many of them.
The mind is a dangerous neighborhood to play in.
I have been warned NEVER to go there alone; yet here I sit.
Alone in my head, drowning a sea of thoughts and emotions.
It’s dark and lonely and I can’t seem to keep my head above the water.
Swimming through the wreckage before me, I am shocked and overwhelmed at the site of two old friends; expectation and disappointment.
It's been a while since I’ve seen either of them.
How interesting it is to me that they still hang around, forever present, for the long haul it seems.
I should have known that they would both still be together.
Forever patient; waiting to be awakened.
We were such close friends in the past. Playing games with each other.
Seeking situations that allowed me to wallow in my own self pity.
The good old days are long gone now. I no longer see them as friends.
I would rather shove them under the water and drown them.
I remember with clarity now... I see how they brought me no relief, no peace.
They keep calling to me and I find that I cannot turn away. I hate them and love them at the same time.
Oh look there’s confusion again. Rearing its ugly head and silently begging to be paid attention to.
These emotions run rampant in my head. The thoughts that accompany them are maddening.
I suppose I’ll be here for a while longer. I’m not ready to part from my old companions. They feel like an old worn blanket, wrapping them selves around every part of me until I feel as though I might suffocate.
