Irony

This was something my son, Matthew, wrote back in July of 2014. I found it quite moving...maybe you will too.

 ~ ~ ~ 

His self-confidence waxes and wanes based on what niceties she chooses to allot him that day. How he chooses to use them is hardly sensible, adding a positive to a larger negative still produces a negative.

His immediate goal is to absorb the happiness and coerce her into giving him more. There is precious little time. If he can't make her love him now then he might miss his chance.

He checked his logic at the airport when he picked her up. Thinking objectively is to no avail, a boy loves a girl and wants his love reciprocated so badly, he is willing to change himself.

The great irony is he has no idea what she wants, he becomes a quiet, jealous, nervous, over thinker. He is making himself less attractive, he lays sleepless thinking about her while she dreams of a better tomorrow.

 Fuck...

Lined With Gold

Layers of tattered papers
Hold penned sonnets
Long since expected
Declaring love
Whispered promises
Devotions to keep
Letters received
One followed by another
Spinning fairy tales
Crafted from whimsy
Tied neatly in a bow
Cleverly lined with gold
Now worn from hours
Of recitation
Committing each word
To my heart shaped box
Of memories
Your cherished notes
Ceased long ago
As did anticipated hope
There would be
One more
Read by moons light
These shadowed words
Display differently
For now I see
The fallacy played
A story believed
Conjuring my desire
To set them free
To be carried away
Upon stolen winds
Sent back
From where they came

Great Divide

You’re stirring
On the other side
Of our great divide
Your movements slow
Unpredictable
Your face a sullen mask
Once displaying anger
And now melancholy
I’m never certain
Which it will be
Please don’t
Don’t attempt to cross
The tattered bridge that
Still holds our souls connection
You’ll fall…we’ll fall
And I no longer wish to
Still too fragile and unable
To say no
The once beautiful waters
Have receded
Leaving nothing but
Scars in the walls that
Once held it true
A mass of wounds
Healing yet not healed
It’s not wise to disturb
The fresh balance achieved
Flowers will bloom again
Without the water
They once craved
My fragile line
Has been drawn
Stay on your side
Of our great divide
Your guilty hands
Can only bring harm

I Heard Them Clearly

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
Your cunning cutting tongue
Slices my spoiled heart

My promises made
Were promises kept
And I’m still standing here
Holding foolishly
To a single strand of hope

Watching you walk away
Carrying the air I breathe
Wondering when you’ll love me again
Waiting for you to remember
Why you loved me before

Take with you as you go
The love I gave freely
Distort the depictions
Of you and me
Destroy our memory

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
“I don’t want you anymore”
I assure you I heard them clearly

Words

Winds whisper your words to me
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways

Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat
Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be

Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains

The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you

Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me

Breathless

My breath escapes
Held captive
By your rhapsody
My soul lay bare
Beneath entrancing whispers
And translucent eyes
My heart open
To caress
My body yours
To possess
My response for any request
Will always be
A breathless
Yes
Come back to me
My body craves you
My ethereal love
Wrap your mind
Inside mine
Become real
And love me
One last time

If Only...

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try

If only
If only you still wanted me
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before

Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me

If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool

If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed

Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me

Tired

 

I’m tired from…

Needing more than

I’m needed

Giving more than

I’m given

Wishing more than

I’m wished for

Caring more than

I’m cared for

Crying more than

I’m cried for

Holding more than

I’m held

Touching more than

I’m touched

Fighting more than

I’m fought for

Loving more than

I’m loved

Wanting more than

I’m wanted

Too tired to…

Need

Give

Wish

Care

Cry

Hold

Touch

Fight

Love

Want

And far too tired for you

Just Me

Standing alone
Though many faces
Exist around me
In this house
Full of painted scenes
Loneliness still wins
My screaming mind
Rises above
Registers attention
From none
Arms stretched out
Seeking comfort
I’m lost
Please
Silence my pleas
Just me
Alone and waiting
For a single
Special essence
The healing balm
That quiets my
Aching dreams

We

My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone

Real

Warm flesh
Heart and soul
Keeping time within
A calming pulse
My voice
An affectionate melody
Inside your mind
Trust and dignity
Sarcasm dipped in humor
And bits of insanity
Wrapped up complete
Packaged with sweets
Arms stretched out
Willing to be held
Soft and tender
Against my breast
Embracing reality
I’m real for you
You
Every part of me
My wish
A single hope
Be real for me
Me

Be Gone

Cold darkness
Rents space in my mind
Unwanted cravings
Ever present
You’ve become my religion
My God of understanding
Curled into a ball
Casting you from my mind
Be gone from me
You’re uninvited
This fantasy
Beckons me
Mesmerizes me
Looking away becomes
An exercise in futility
Your claws reach
Deep into my soul
Tearing away
My timid resolve
You’ve identified
Every weakness
One taste
One touch
Proves devastating
Curled into a ball
I cast you from my mind
Be gone from me
Please—

Silent Goodbye

Alone with my fear
Reluctantly I rise
Clutching the pale sheet
Wound tightly about my form
No longer your willing captive
Shackled in the dark
Riddled with desperation
Quiet pleas for mercy
Unheard or ignored
My dignity stripped raw
Used at will
Marked with scars
A second skin confines
Tattooed impressions upon my soul
Unsure of my footing
One small step
Propels me away
Forward
Light filters through
A crack in the wall
Freedom beckons me
I wobble and advance
Toward the precipice
Balanced on the edge
I turn around and see clearly
Your eyes
Silently urging
Go
Take your leave from me
Hope crushed once more
Falling backwards
The pale material
Unfolds and flies above
A white flag of surrender
A silent goodbye
From me

Frozen

Tears trickle down my cheeks

Iced drops of rain

Freezing your reflection

In a mirror of time

Your eyes now empty

Of the heart you once held

As mine

The pain of loss so great

The need to be seen

To be held and cherished

Consumes everything

My tears are in vain

My love wasted

Lost among frozen rain

Carving a path within

My soul

No heart waits for mine

Lonely, alone

Tears trickle

And find no home

Sunshine

Glowing tranquility

Whispers to me

Sifting through recollections

Past love half complete

Unknown circumstance

Enticing my spirit

I pine to feel your sun

Brightness

Encircling me

I yearn

And I crave the light

It settles me

Harmony contained inside

Last summers dream

Your smile

Your heart

The sunshine to me

Not Real

Something is missing in my soul

Emptiness consumes me

Desperate to feel

Something

Anything

Reaching but you’re not there

Crying out but you can’t hear

I’m not real

My life a dance for all to see

Smile

Laugh

Joke

Your perfect fantasy

But my world is incomplete

Residing behind the glass wall

The wall I’ve created on my own

Each day a piece of me dies

Holding myself still

Watching

Waiting

Reaching but you’re not there

Crying out but you can’t hear

I’m not real

State of Mind

Watching
Empty
Craving
Bleeding
Lonely
Lost

I'm alone
Missing you always

When?

I stand before you stripped raw.
I cannot explain the emotions I feel, more then can be understood.

Much unplanned and never intended.
Can you be all I perceive you to be?
Everything I expect and nothing I thought to need.

A piece of my heart is all I can offer.
A space to call your own.
Forever to be loved, cherished and embraced.
Will it be you?
Will you fulfill my need?

Wallow forever in the shame of me.
Brand me and claim me as your own.
Reaching and never sated.
Yearning and never fulfilled.

Waiting.
Someday to be called your own.
When will it be?

Will you dance with me, forever invited into my fantasy?
Be mine for eternity?