Endless Loop

Caught in an endless loop.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

I do cry a lot, yes.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

A friendship is gone.

And now I cry, every day.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

So much confusion.

Promises made then destroyed.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

Promises made then destroyed.

So much confusion.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

And now I cry, every day.

A friendship is gone.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

I do cry a lot, yes.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Caught in an endless loop.

Dreams

There is a difference
Between knowing something
And believing it

A window into my soul was opened
All my dreams flew into your arms
And you held them

Such a fleeting amount of time

Then you let them go
And they fell to the ground
At your feet

My breath seized
I waited
For a word
A sign
Some measure of understanding
And nothing came

My dreams lingered unclaimed
My heart abandoned to beat alone

That window into my soul
Slammed closed
The glass cracked within its frame
Distorting the view I knew
And reflecting what I refused to believe

My dreams flew away
On winds of change
Tears streamed down my cheeks
And smothered my heart

I watched you walk away
And I let you go

You said I had to

So Willingly

You laughed
I became your fool

You stayed protected
I exposed eternity

Hiding your smile
While I cried
I’m pretty when I cry

Unmerited responsibility
Toyed with so frivolously

Didn’t you discern
The damage you would do

I loved you
Of course you knew
In my mind you loved me too

How can it be
You let me give so easily

I gave you all of me
And you took it

Every piece of me
You took and took
So Willingly

We

My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone

Frozen

Tears trickle down my cheeks

Iced drops of rain

Freezing your reflection

In a mirror of time

Your eyes now empty

Of the heart you once held

As mine

The pain of loss so great

The need to be seen

To be held and cherished

Consumes everything

My tears are in vain

My love wasted

Lost among frozen rain

Carving a path within

My soul

No heart waits for mine

Lonely, alone

Tears trickle

And find no home

Tears

So far from where we once were.

Lines defined long ago.

Easily crossed and left behind.

The path so well designed.

Now cluttered with foot prints of pain.

A shadow of my former self.

Through my tears I can no longer see.

What it is that you saw in me.

My heart is strangled in a noose.

The bitter taste of loss.

An all consuming catch twenty two.

A thousand wishes riddle my mind.

Memories of a time now gone.

Basking in the shelter of you.

Hearts no longer combined.

So far from where we once were.

I Love You

Let's call this an experiment in my poetry.
This is the second short story/poem that's entered my head this week. I have not posted the first one. I don't know if I will.
This one came out of me at the demand of my muse... He heard a song I was listening to while lingering in my head and this is what he whispered to me. (yes I know how crazy that sounds but some of you understand it.)
Let me know what you think please... I am sure I could use the feedback.

Simply titled: I love you

“Do you believe me anymore when I tell you I love you?”

Your words hung suspended before my eyes, floating as though they had no need for a place to land.

If I had the power to erase them I would.

Quick as I can, I answer.

“Stop I don’t want to cry tonight…Dammit”

But it was too late. The minute you asked the question the lump that is now a constant presence in my throat broke free and the tears fell at will.

“I love you” I hear you say to me

Full of desperation and unable to quell my tears; agony spills forth coating the emptiness of my soul.

Moments tumble by and I finally manage a reply,

“I want to believe you…but your behavior tells me differently,”

Walking away you stop, turn and say,

“Fair enough, I've just got a lot of personal stuff going on… I let it get to me and keep me busy… I'm sorry I do that, anyway…Good night baby.”

I watch you go and stand there stunned in my puddle of tears. The pain so great I feel as though I will burst, then the anger comes… and finally I can breathe.

I run after you, grab your arm, turning you to me.

“That was the biggest bullshit statement you have ever fed me. You told me a long time ago that I would know when you didn’t want me anymore… Well I feel it! I see it!

It’s so obvious it’s embarrassing!”

We stand there in silence. Nothing else to say… you turn and walk away.

I don’t know why I hold on to this.

I keep waiting, I suppose, for things to change.

Will they?

I can easily fall back into my fantasy… Where, once again, you love me.

I’m stubborn just like you.

I won’t do what you so clearly are too weak to.

You told me before that one day I would leave you. That I would resent you for not giving me more…

But you see that is simply not true.

I won’t let you use that as an excuse. I refuse to make it so easy for you.

I don’t resent you and I haven’t left you.

My heart knows and loves you still…

The truth is you’ve already left me.

Your words hung suspended before my eyes, floating as though they had no need for a place to land.

“Do you believe me anymore when I tell you I love you?”

Whispering through tears streaking down my cheeks,

“No baby, I don’t… Because I know I’ve already lost you”

Wilted Tears

Invisible

Tears I cry

Trickling through

Finger tips

The wilted flower

Me

For loss

Of love

And mine

I grieve

In the dream

Running

Into outstretched

Arms

Saving me

Wiping away

Invisible

Tears I cry

You see

The wilted flower

That is

Me