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Showing posts with label broken heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken heart. Show all posts

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Irony

This was something my son, Matthew, wrote back in July of 2014. I found it quite moving...maybe you will too.


 ~ ~ ~ 


His self-confidence waxes and wanes based on what niceties she chooses to allot him that day. How he chooses to use them is hardly sensible, adding a positive to a larger negative still produces a negative.

His immediate goal is to absorb the happiness and coerce her into giving him more. There is precious little time. If he can't make her love him now then he might miss his chance.

He checked his logic at the airport when he picked her up. Thinking objectively is to no avail, a boy loves a girl and wants his love reciprocated so badly, he is willing to change himself.

The great irony is he has no idea what she wants, he becomes a quiet, jealous, nervous, over thinker. He is making himself less attractive, he lays sleepless thinking about her while she dreams of a better tomorrow.

 Fuck...

Monday, May 16, 2016

And Still...



Photo credit: Blackman Whitelife

There is no air
For me to breathe

There is no light
To guide my way

The flowers don't bloom
My world is dark

Only my mind is bright
With pictures of you

That look in your eyes
Meant only for me

Chemistry binding
Skin mixed with sin

Soul and heart 
Spirits entwined

Until death do us part
But there was no death

Yet my broken heart 
Continues to beat

Even when there is no air
And still...

You manage to breathe

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Endless Loop

Caught in an endless loop.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

I do cry a lot, yes.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

A friendship is gone.

And now I cry, every day.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

So much confusion.

Promises made then destroyed.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

Promises made then destroyed.

So much confusion.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

And now I cry, every day.

A friendship is gone.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

I do cry a lot, yes.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Caught in an endless loop.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Rent Free


A Slice to my heart
One moment I’m fine
The next
I’m bleeding
Everything’s changed
Yet remains the same
My scar
Never fully heals
As if it knows
It’ll be torn open
Again
Tall on your soap box you stand
Though you’re such a small man
One more comment
Another useless declaration
Carefully planned
To keep me away
And bring me to my knees
I gave what you wanted
And still you remain
A smudge on my soul
Tormenting my dreams
Casting your shadow
Living rent free
You’ve soiled it all
Each special moment
Every precious memory
I’m left with nothing
It’s all very clear to me
I understand completely
The joke was on me
Don’t talk anymore
Just please
Leave me be

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Jagged Shards



I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Discovering each other’s masks
Our many different faces

Carefully carved lines
Marked the path we
Trespassed
Keeping us safe
Yet trapping us
Bestriding the bond
Over a cavern of sin

Connecting fantasies
Dreams and nightmares
Indulging in wants
We shouldn't have
Taking what we pleased
In spite of consequence
Damning sanity

Breathing deep
Every moment
Each touch
Fire raged between us
An uncontrollable heat
Singeing our lips
With each passing kiss

Such intense emotion
At times neglected
Leaving my heart raw
In a defenseless state
Blurring the lines
In the blink of an eye
Between love and hate

The result could only be
Heartache
Broken dreams
Sweet hours of conversation
Now silenced by misery
Riding our merry-go-round
We twirled

Sitting quietly became
A deliberate punishment
Yours or mine
Who’s to say
Amidst hurt feelings
And indifference
It’s all the same

Leaving me behind
In this broken state
All things sacred
Left in jagged shards
Crushed in justifiable
Yet uncalled for
Disdain

There is no glue
No way to repair
The broken mirror
Replicating me
A thousand different ways
There is no more pain
No blood left to bleed

The pretty mess
I willingly let you
Make of me
Do you see what I see?
Horrified by all
The memories
You stole from me

Can you still feel me?
Like you used to
Thoughts of you still haunt me
Do thoughts of me haunt you?
I suppose
It doesn’t really matter
If they do

Still
I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Do you?

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Joke



Are you done yet
Have I bled enough
Honestly could I ever bleed
Enough for you to be happy

You’ve justified your misdeed
Twisted it in your mind
Made yourself believe
I was just a lapse in sanity

You created a story
A manipulated masterpiece
It fit the picture you needed
To prove your innocence

You told me I meant everything
Though clearly this new version
Makes you the martyr
You desperately need to be

You’ve stained every word
Held sacred by me
What does it matter
What mattered to me

I was the joke
You could never leave
Until
You finally did

Friday, April 22, 2011

My Bubble



A bubble is made
Of such fragile
Material
Thin and transparent
Defying gravity
Flitting from
Surface to sky
Gleaming in the sunlight
My bubble
Withstands storms
Callous skies
And Rocky ground
It floats
It persists
And remains intact
Heavy and weighed down
My bubble
Seems made from
Impenetrable steel
Yet still
Thin and transparent
Inside it I exist
Looking out
Watching you
As you look in
Watching me
I want to know
How can it remain
What would it take
For you
To burst my bubble
The one you helped create
And reinforce
For me
To finally touch
To feel
To taste
And to finally know
What my bubble was
Created to mean
If not for anything
But maybe
To finally set me free

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Locked Door



A glittering halo
Once surrounded me
Bright and forgiving
Now gone
Bent and broken
Blackened by reality
Part of my heart died
The consequence of letting you go
Vast emptiness
Stark and cold
Deep inside
I stand alone
Broken
The door is closed
The lock engaged
And still
Love and compassion remains
You are
And always will be
Mine
My heart
My breath…
Mine eternally
When I dream
I see you and feel you
Our souls coalesce
As they’ve always done
Then I wake
So far from you
So far from where we once were
Consumed by the ache
Existing half alive
Knowing all is as it should be
The evidence of you
Is stamped upon my soul
Alone
Missing you
Behind my locked door

** I wrote this poem for @christel42 to honor National Poetry Month and posted on her blog. She's a wonderful friend and writer. Thank You Christel.**

Friday, April 15, 2011

Erase My Memory



My heart is slowly dying
He’s haunting me
God please
I’m suffocating
I beg you
Save me
Erase my memory
What I would give
For a moment of peace
To feel like me again
To know that I’m free
Noise surrounds me
Yet all I hear is silence
I can’t take another night
Crying myself to sleep

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Great Divide



You’re stirring
On the other side
Of our great divide
Your movements slow
Unpredictable
Your face a sullen mask
Once displaying anger
And now melancholy
I’m never certain
Which it will be
Please don’t
Don’t attempt to cross
The tattered bridge that
Still holds our souls connection
You’ll fall…we’ll fall
And I no longer wish to
Still too fragile and unable
To say no
The once beautiful waters
Have receded
Leaving nothing but
Scars in the walls that
Once held it true
A mass of wounds
Healing yet not healed
It’s not wise to disturb
The fresh balance achieved
Flowers will bloom again
Without the water
They once craved
My fragile line
Has been drawn
Stay on your side
Of our great divide
Your guilty hands
Can only bring harm

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Heard Them Clearly



One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
Your cunning cutting tongue
Slices my spoiled heart

My promises made
Were promises kept
And I’m still standing here
Holding foolishly
To a single strand of hope

Watching you walk away
Carrying the air I breathe
Wondering when you’ll love me again
Waiting for you to remember
Why you loved me before

Take with you as you go
The love I gave freely
Distort the depictions
Of you and me
Destroy our memory

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
“I don’t want you anymore”
I assure you I heard them clearly

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Disease



Your petty display
I’ve often overlooked
Refusing this fate
Loving you in spite of
Your obvious lies
I’ve had all I can take
I hate your hypocrite face

Truth is supposed to set me free
Yet I’m held captive
Inside this maze
Crawling with venomous
Vines dripping excuses
You crafted just for me

I hate you occupying my mind
Like a disease you’ve taken hold
And won’t let go
Infecting every inch of my soul
Spoiling everything I taste

There is no serenity
Wandering inside this pathetic joke
Cursing your memory
Screaming your name
Dying one moment at a time

Mostly I hate
That my hate still isn’t
Strong enough
To kill my love
Eradicating this contamination
Called you
A constant threat
To my sanity

Ever forgiving
Unconditional
Never faltering
Love
Stands strong
You don’t deserve an ounce
Not one drop of blood
From my heart
You don’t even deserve
My hate

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Love



My mind clamors to escape
Visions battle
Of love
Of hate
Twisting spinning
Who will win this useless race?
Love is in the lead
A smile is all it takes
He holds her close
Coaxing her heart
From its hiding place
Heaven and Hell
Are one in the same
As his demeanor begins to change
Hate smothers love
Spoiling her foolish faith
Crumbs of lies litter her space
Soiling the gift she makes
Another round we go
Tell the Devil we said hello
No end to the cruelty of his soul
Sweet hate prevails
And finally takes
Love’s place

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Words

Winds whisper your words to me
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways

Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat
Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be

Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains

The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you

Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me

Friday, February 11, 2011

So Willingly


You laughed
I became your fool

You stayed protected
I exposed eternity

Hiding your smile
While I cried
I’m pretty when I cry

Unmerited responsibility
Toyed with so frivolously

Didn’t you discern
The damage you would do

I loved you
Of course you knew
In my mind you loved me too

How can it be
You let me give so easily

I gave you all of me
And you took it

Every piece of me
You took and took
So Willingly

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Regret Filled Moon



The image of you crosses before me
And leaves devastation in its wake
Your face has branded itself upon my soul
My heart

I’m forgotten, cast aside as I lie

Awake in the dreadful silence of my mind
My tears are hot and never ending. Each one
A memory, a regret, a smile
I’ve died inside

A shell of who I thought I knew myself to be
Confused by happenings, abandoned by fate
No choice, no voice but the whisper in my mind
Reminding me of the fool you let me be
I’ve searched tirelessly for you but all I find
Around every turn is the same
Vanilla sky and the blue regret filled moon

Saturday, January 29, 2011

If Only...



If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try

If only
If only you still wanted me
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before

Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me

If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool

If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed

Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me

Monday, January 10, 2011

Tomorrow











What makes me believe
Today you’ll be different
Different than yesterday
Somehow better
Tomorrow
Will promises made
Ever be promises kept
Why do I hold
So tightly to you
What would happen if…
If I let go
Would my heart explode
Splinter into a million pieces
Would you gather them up
Tape them together
And promise again
You’ll be different
Different than yesterday
Somehow better
Tomorrow

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Just Me



Standing alone
Though many faces
Exist around me
In this house
Full of painted scenes
Loneliness still wins
My screaming mind
Rises above
Registers attention
From none
Arms stretched out
Seeking comfort
I’m lost
Please
Silence my pleas
Just me
Alone and waiting
For a single
Special essence
The healing balm
That quiets my
Aching dreams

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

We



My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone