And Still...

Photo credit: Blackman Whitelife

There is no air

For me to breathe

There is no light

To guide my way

The flowers don't bloom

My world is dark

Only my mind is bright

With pictures of you

That look in your eyes

Meant only for me

Chemistry binding

Skin mixed with sin

Soul and heart 

Spirits entwined

Until death do us part

But there was no death

Yet my broken heart 

Continues to beat

Even when there is no air

And still...

You manage to breathe

The Ache

Where do we go when we’re left alone? When the things we want or wish for are taken from us and the pain becomes so great that there is no room for anything but the ache?

It consumes everything.

How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.

I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.

A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.

You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.

“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words

“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.

Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.

It’s consuming everything.

Safe From Me

 

Who am I

Who should I be

I’ve been lost and found

In the space of one moment in time

Yet at the core of my distress

My confusion

I find me

Who I used to be

But still am

Truth, insanity, insecurity

A lover, a mother

A wife, a friend

A hopeless romantic

A fool

Someone I used to know

No longer someone I want to be

But me…alone

Forever dependent on you

Thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions

Love…

Why me

What could you possibly see in me

Is it the idea of me

What I used to be

Or what I am today

Who am I today

God – please help me

Help me uncover what I’m supposed to be

What you need me to be

Help me find the truth

Buried deep inside of me

I’m sick of this endless hallway

Sick of the pain that wraps around me

Like a second skin

I run and hide in the dark place

Within my heart

I’m safe there

Safe

From me

The Merry-Go-Round

Memories of oblivion

Swirl within my soul

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Around the merry-go-round

I fly

I’m sorry

Don’t cry

I promise I’m fine

I just need to hide

Behind crumbling walls

Water trickles constantly

Carving crevices

Gaps between

Weathered and worn

Broken stones

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Down the slippery slope

I slide

Catch me

Don’t let go

Watch as I fly

Just one more time

Around the merry-go-round

I ride

Stripped

A flower gripped

Tight in my fist

Plucking the petals

One by one

He loves me…

Fluttering down

He loves me not…

Cluttering the ground

I pulled all the petals

Now wilted around my feet

The flower now bare

The petals don’t provide

The answers I seek

I didn’t take care

This longing for love

Never to become

Stripped and alone

Mirroring the stem

Forever undone

My Sadness

Suffocating

Inside this

Straitjacket

Containing my mind

Winds blow

An ever present

Scent of you

Caressing my grief

My sadness

Keeping me company

Overwhelmed with need

For your familiarity

Alone in this place

With only my mind

Smothered by

An ever present

Memory of you

Mommy

I miss you, Mommy.

Is that so hard to believe? I suppose so considering how much we used to fight.

When I close my eyes I can see you as you once were. You were a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. The smartest woman I have ever known.
You had your own demons of course; You wrestled with them your whole life.
Most times by choice.
I hated that you wouldn't be rid of them.
I hated you.

You loved me and you wanted me. There were times when you couldn't take care of yourself, so I took care of us both. Our roles were reversed then as they are now.

I look at you. I can't believe my eyes. You are so small, so fragile.
Lost in your mind.
Gone from me forever.

It's horrible to watch you wither away. To know that this is how it is and that it will only get worse from here. Slowly but surely you will disappear...

Your body will be present but your mind will be gone.

I will take care of you. I will love you, bathe you and feed until that time when your body finally gives in.

I love you, Mommy.