Come along on a magic roller coaster ride through my mind...
It'll be fun, I promise.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Your Grave
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Endless Loop
When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.
But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.
Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.
My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.
Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.
It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.
And now I cry, every day.
A friendship is gone.
My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.
Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.
But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.
When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.
Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.
Caught in an endless loop.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Locked Door

A glittering halo
Once surrounded me
Bright and forgiving
Now gone
Bent and broken
Blackened by reality
Part of my heart died
The consequence of letting you go
Vast emptiness
Stark and cold
Deep inside
I stand alone
Broken
The door is closed
The lock engaged
And still
Love and compassion remains
You are
And always will be
Mine
My heart
My breath…
Mine eternally
When I dream
I see you and feel you
Our souls coalesce
As they’ve always done
Then I wake
So far from you
So far from where we once were
Consumed by the ache
Existing half alive
Knowing all is as it should be
The evidence of you
Is stamped upon my soul
Alone
Missing you
Behind my locked door
** I wrote this poem for @christel42 to honor National Poetry Month and posted on her blog. She's a wonderful friend and writer. Thank You Christel.**
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I Heard Them Clearly

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
Your cunning cutting tongue
Slices my spoiled heart
My promises made
Were promises kept
And I’m still standing here
Holding foolishly
To a single strand of hope
Watching you walk away
Carrying the air I breathe
Wondering when you’ll love me again
Waiting for you to remember
Why you loved me before
Take with you as you go
The love I gave freely
Distort the depictions
Of you and me
Destroy our memory
One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
“I don’t want you anymore”
I assure you I heard them clearly
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Words
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways
Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat

Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be
Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains
The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you
Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me
Saturday, January 29, 2011
If Only...

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try
If only
If only you still wanted me
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before
Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me
If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool
If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed
Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be
If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Ache
It consumes everything.
How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.
I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.
A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.
You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.
“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words
“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.
Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.
It’s consuming everything.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Silent Goodbye
Reluctantly I rise
Clutching the pale sheet
Wound tightly about my form
No longer your willing captive
Shackled in the dark
Riddled with desperation
Quiet pleas for mercy
Unheard or ignored
My dignity stripped raw
Used at will
Marked with scars
A second skin confines
Tattooed impressions upon my soul
Unsure of my footing
One small step
Propels me away
Forward
Light filters through
A crack in the wall
Freedom beckons me
I wobble and advance
Toward the precipice
Balanced on the edge
I turn around and see clearly
Your eyes
Silently urging
Go
Take your leave from me
Hope crushed once more
Falling backwards
The pale material
Unfolds and flies above
A white flag of surrender
A silent goodbye
From me
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Corner
You must believe
I’m made of stone
My heart
Encased in steel
One look
I breathe
One touch
I’m free
One cruel word
Banishes me
Jettisoned
Orbiting misery
Heart clenched
Bracing me
Preemptively
I know too well the
Punishment I motivate
Silence you demonstrate
Gut wrenching pain
Pushes pink clouds away
Fostering darkened skies
Banished to the corner
Broken and torn
Somewhere inside
The depths of your mind
A dark corner
You’ve labeled mine
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Ugliest Girl in the World (guest post)
Here is a guest post from my very good friend @divine_pk. I hope you enjoy it.
I am honored to be able to share it with you.
I'm the ugliest girl in the world
I hide on the outside
With make up
With curls
When I'm thin people like me
Congratulations!
What an achievement
For abandoning myself
When I'm fat, people like me
Ugliness peeks through
So witty!
So smart!
So talented!
Thank god she's fat!
In between
Mother says with mother bias
What a pretty face
Father says with male bias
I'm an 8 out of 10
Thanks, Dad
Lovers know what I want to hear
But won't say
It will seem false
It will be false
After all
I am the ugliest girl in the world
Lovers compliment others
Words never said to me
For I am ugly
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd carve an X into my face
Diagonal
Right to left
Diagonal
Left to right
X-ed out
Then there would be no question
It's the wondering that kills me
Maybe, maybe it doesn't matter
Maybe, maybe I'm pretty
This woman lives in me, somewhere
Battling my ugly
Battered by my ugly
In me, two people who despise each other
No one sees my wounds
Agonizing wars, bitches brawl
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd cut them right out of my chest
Leaving a void
Where the pain was
A void
My ugly pain
MY ugly
Where would I be without my ugly?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Threading the Needle
Your words
Or lack thereof
Cut wounds
Deep within my soul
Broken pieces
Swallowed down
Slicing lines of disrespect
Seething bile in my throat
The forgotten fool
Sitting in my seat
Once me
Careful where you step
Your damage complete
Vomiting my pain
At your feet
I have no dignity
I’ve lost all grace
Threading the needle for a torn heart
Your words
Or lack thereof
Say everything
And nothing at all
Friday, April 9, 2010
Deafening
You walk away
Silence
Spreads through me
So deafening
Pounding my fists
Screaming
Shattered heart
Bleeding
Caressing the keys
Trembling
It's no use I can't leave
Every lock
Broken in me
Forever
Frozen within
My silent glass prison
Suffocating,
I can't breathe.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Maze
Tell me…
You hate
The glass maze
That separates
Us
Yet you stand outside
Polishing it until it
Sparkles and gleams
And I fight
I scream
And I cry
I’m lost inside
The maze…please
I need to be
On the other side
Tell me…
What would you do?
If I could break though
If I were there in front of you
Would you love
Me
More than you do
Now
Even when we argue
Would you grab me
Pull me to you
Bruise my lips…With your kiss
Hold me forever
But wait
The glass maze
Is there
It keeps me away
You
Stand outside
Polishing it until it
Sparkles and gleams
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Me
Alone
Tears fall from my heart
A place wrung dry
Empty
Denying Gods will
Me
Too many paths laid out
I don’t want to know
Truth
I refuse to let go
Broken
Alone
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Breathe
My mind refuses to cooperate
I see you waiting, always patient
Forever my gentleman
When I am ready, I will ask
But promise me please
Stay, wait for me
Don't go
You see, eventually the sun will shine
My words will sing
Hold me, in your arms I'll cry
Then I'll be able to breathe
Saturday, September 26, 2009
God
Are you hiding from me?
Please don't. I have grown accustomed to your presence in my head and in my heart.
I long to feel your arms around me again.
I'm so cold, my body shakes with the loss of you. You filled me up, made me whole.
So many questions fill my mind: Why did you abandon me? What should I do?
How will I find you again?
I am lost and alone; wandering with no direction.
I can't think anymore. Make it stop.
Please come back to me.