Can't Breathe

I can feel your breath on my neck.
I release a sigh at the words you whisper in my ear.

I tingle inside in response to your promises.
Your words are like honey sweetening my senses.

I turn in your arms and press against you.
My soft curves molding to your hard edges.

Your hands entangle in my hair, your lips so close to mine.
My world begins to spin.

My eyes shut as you close the distance between us.
I am swept away with your kiss.

I open my eyes to the dimness of the room.
I realize now you were only a dream.

I can't breathe as I shudder with the loss.
I am alone.

The Fire

The glow is so intense.

It captures all my attention and reflects all my thoughts, fears and emotions.
A mirror image of my growing insanity.

As I move closer it tempts me, taunts me and plays with me.
I can't help myself.

I know it will harm me and I will get burned, yet I cannot turn away.
My feet firmly planted, my hands balled into fists.

For a brief moment I pause, contemplating my situation.
I brush away the thoughts that fill my head with reason and rationality.
It's too late for all that, there is no going back and I proceed.
My course is clearly plotted, my choice is made.

It takes me, caresses me, makes love to me.

Finally... Finally...

It burns me and I am gone.

One Moment

I will never have another moment exactly like this one.

In seconds and inches time passes and I move forward.

I can look back but I must not stare. What's happened is gone, never to be again.

Bloom where you are planted I hear you say.

If I stay in today I have choices.
Today is all I have.

God

Where are you?
Are you hiding from me?
Please don't. I have grown accustomed to your presence in my head and in my heart.

I long to feel your arms around me again.
I'm so cold, my body shakes with the loss of you. You filled me up, made me whole.

So many questions fill my mind: Why did you abandon me? What should I do?
How will I find you again?

I am lost and alone; wandering with no direction.
I can't think anymore. Make it stop.
Please come back to me.

3 Things

Anger
Hate
Disgust

Fear
Pain
Suffering

Frustration
Shame
Guilt

Empty
Sullen
Void

Passive Aggressive
Silent Scorn
Sarcasm

Vindictive
Justified
Validated

These three things I feel.
All wrapped up in one.
All at once, racing through my mind.

Push, pull, stay, go!
Which is it?

I can't please you! Why do I care so much that I do?

Everyday my heart resides on my sleeve.
There for you to poke and prod or love at your leisure.

I wake each day wondering what the day will bring.
Will you love me or hate me?

It all depends on your mood or your state of mind.
Which will it be?

Wait
Wait
Wait

Don't worry here I will be.
Waiting...

Will you see me today?

Mommy

I miss you, Mommy.

Is that so hard to believe? I suppose so considering how much we used to fight.

When I close my eyes I can see you as you once were. You were a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. The smartest woman I have ever known.
You had your own demons of course; You wrestled with them your whole life.
Most times by choice.
I hated that you wouldn't be rid of them.
I hated you.

You loved me and you wanted me. There were times when you couldn't take care of yourself, so I took care of us both. Our roles were reversed then as they are now.

I look at you. I can't believe my eyes. You are so small, so fragile.
Lost in your mind.
Gone from me forever.

It's horrible to watch you wither away. To know that this is how it is and that it will only get worse from here. Slowly but surely you will disappear...

Your body will be present but your mind will be gone.

I will take care of you. I will love you, bathe you and feed until that time when your body finally gives in.

I love you, Mommy.

My heart

My heart is heavy tonight. I am unsure why...

There is a feeling of loneliness in the pit of my stomach.
I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me and yet.. Still this heaviness persists.

I know that there is a reason, a method to this madness that seems to plague me. What is it that you are trying to tell me? What lesson am I supposed to learn?

The book tells me that 'Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'.
I feel as though I am suffering. It is at my own hand I am sure.
Why? After all, I do know that God will not drop me on my ass. I know that His will will not take me where his Grace will not protect me.
Yet I still seek to know; to understand.

So many thoughts... So many questions...
I am unsettled, itchy in my own skin. I want to run or scream or tear out my hair. I am powerless and I cannot force this away.

I must be patient. I must trust.
I am reluctant...
I am in the hallway...

Here I sit waiting for the next door to open.
I am impatient. I want what I want now and I don't want to wait for it. I want that old familiar sense of ease and comfort. I look for you to make me feel ok in my own skin.

I am familiar with this path. It is a painful one.
Yet I still seek it.