If Only...

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try

If only
If only you still wanted me
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before

Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me

If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool

If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed

Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me

The Ache

Where do we go when we’re left alone? When the things we want or wish for are taken from us and the pain becomes so great that there is no room for anything but the ache?

It consumes everything.

How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.

I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.

A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.

You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.

“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words

“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.

Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.

It’s consuming everything.

Puzzle

Fantasies morph
Twisting dreams
Thoughtfully arranged
Displayed before you
Faded blue eyes
Without a face
Beckon me
Promising love
Connected belief
Unable to decipher
Truth from fiction
Missing puzzle pieces
Fill my pockets
Drowning in daydreams
Untangle the scene
Reveal what’s hiding
I need to believe
In something

Seeking

Kneeling before
Broken memories
Time stands still
Yet moments pass
A book of riddles
You and me
Still seeking
Searching for answers
I seem to need
Impatiently waiting
For explanations
Begging please
Have mercy
Do you not know me?
Have you forgotten
Everything?
An accepting place
Awaits you
Inside my heart
Can’t you see?
It’s still me
I’ll keep seeking
Searching for answers
I seem to need

Tired

 

I’m tired from…

Needing more than

I’m needed

Giving more than

I’m given

Wishing more than

I’m wished for

Caring more than

I’m cared for

Crying more than

I’m cried for

Holding more than

I’m held

Touching more than

I’m touched

Fighting more than

I’m fought for

Loving more than

I’m loved

Wanting more than

I’m wanted

Too tired to…

Need

Give

Wish

Care

Cry

Hold

Touch

Fight

Love

Want

And far too tired for you

Tomorrow

What makes me believe

Today you’ll be different

Different than yesterday

Somehow better

Tomorrow

Will promises made

Ever be promises kept

Why do I hold

So tightly to you

What would happen if…

If I let go

Would my heart explode

Splinter into a million pieces

Would you gather them up

Tape them together

And promise again

You’ll be different

Different than yesterday

Somehow better

Tomorrow

Intersection

Who is this person I see
This person before me
Is it reality?
Or something different
Entirely
Is it true?
Is it really you?
The proof before my eyes
You…
It couldn’t be
A part of me can’t believe it’s true
Maybe you showed me
Someone you used to be
A slightly younger version
Who you wish you
Could still be
But never will be
The intersection you presented
You placed in my hands
Without knowing it
You showed me everything
Told me all I was missing
For now I see
Everything you hid from me
Never wanted me to see
Me to know
Me
Who has always been me
Laid bare before you
But not you
You’re a lie
Your own fantasy
A false image you presented
Yourself to be
Didn’t you know?
Maybe it would have been okay
Had you trusted me
With the actual you
A choice
And now
There is nothing
But lies and fallacy
And now I’ve no choice
But to be done with you
I’m done
Whoever you may be
Now I’ll mourn the loss of who
I believed you to be