Irony

This was something my son, Matthew, wrote back in July of 2014. I found it quite moving...maybe you will too.

 ~ ~ ~ 

His self-confidence waxes and wanes based on what niceties she chooses to allot him that day. How he chooses to use them is hardly sensible, adding a positive to a larger negative still produces a negative.

His immediate goal is to absorb the happiness and coerce her into giving him more. There is precious little time. If he can't make her love him now then he might miss his chance.

He checked his logic at the airport when he picked her up. Thinking objectively is to no avail, a boy loves a girl and wants his love reciprocated so badly, he is willing to change himself.

The great irony is he has no idea what she wants, he becomes a quiet, jealous, nervous, over thinker. He is making himself less attractive, he lays sleepless thinking about her while she dreams of a better tomorrow.

 Fuck...

And Still...

Photo credit: Blackman Whitelife

There is no air

For me to breathe

There is no light

To guide my way

The flowers don't bloom

My world is dark

Only my mind is bright

With pictures of you

That look in your eyes

Meant only for me

Chemistry binding

Skin mixed with sin

Soul and heart 

Spirits entwined

Until death do us part

But there was no death

Yet my broken heart 

Continues to beat

Even when there is no air

And still...

You manage to breathe

Falsity

The push

The pull

The struggle to feel

The need to be seen

Spills over the edge

Drowned by tears

That no longer fall

They dried inside a scream

The one you so easily ignore

Falsity is the game

Played as a truth

But nothing is real

Except jealousy

A cowardly melody

Well overplayed

Oozing from your pores

Smothering my pleas

The push

The pull

The struggle to accept

If he wanted me

Truly wanted me

He would’ve never

    Let me go...

Always

I only think of you...

When the sun kisses the moon

And the light from the blue disappears

The stars decorate the sky

Casting their glow upon sleeping souls

I only think of you...

When the moon says its prayers

And the light of the day chases darkness away

The sun grants a wish

Illuminating each dew speckled rose

I only think of you...

With every breath I take

Which is to say

Every hour

Each moment

Of the moonlit night

And sun filled day

I only think of you...

Always

Unexpected Everything

I wasn’t prepared
For the sweet taste
Of your name
Lingering on my lips
The memory of your touch
Branding my skin
Marking your territory
Spreading your sin
That look in your eyes
As you drank me in
Penetrating my soul
Claiming every inch of me
Until you became
My unexpected...
Everything

Flame

I dreamt a dream

Of the perfect kiss

With desire in 

Your eyes

And fire upon

Your lips 

But as the sun 

Slowly rose

The flame began 

To fade

I was left

With nothing

But a stolen wish...

Heaven or Hell

Photo Credit: http://www.morguefile.com/

A maze made of desire
Fire smolders inside
Dance with me
Lets play in the flames
Our ashes can linger on the winds
Sprinkled with bits of levity
Soaring high to blacken the moon
Is it heaven or hell hiding in your eyes?
A promise of your lips
The sweet scent of your sin 
I'll receive the devil
Just give me a reason
With one heated kiss...

Piece by Piece

Artist credit

 

Whispered promises

Perpetual dreams

Our heart's love is meant to conquer

Everything…

Yet something hides

Between what's yours and mine

A forgotten weakness

A crack or a chip left behind

Where the malicious in disguise

Slithers within

It tarnishes the mind

Putting a blemish on our soul

Piece by piece

Each sliver of doubt is driven home

Becoming a wedge

Dividing what once was

Solid gold…

Ask yourself, my heart

Have you willingly allowed it inside?

My Abyss

Loss pulses inside

Veins bled dry

Into a pool of darkness

In which I breathe

Nothing to define

The abyss

I'm trapped within

Scattering reasons

From unmoving lips

Still unheard

Misunderstood

An ache unparalleled

By pain

Or grief

A heart does not beat

Without understanding

With no peace

Loss cries meaningless

Inside my abyss

Your Grave

The man in the moon dances

Among shadowed graves

Guilty souls reach

From their supposed resting place

Harmonizing as one

Singing their stories

Climbing beyond the winds

A chorus of broken dreams

Regrets and half measures

Paltry attempts at love

Tales spun from tainted imaginings

Deceit speckled with loyalty

Do you recall their faces?

Can you evoke their names?

Once all is said and done

When your grave is dug

Will anyone recall your face?

Will anyone care to evoke your name?

I’m sure the souls will welcome your song

Endless Loop

Caught in an endless loop.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

I do cry a lot, yes.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

A friendship is gone.

And now I cry, every day.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

So much confusion.

Promises made then destroyed.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

It’s a physical pain. And I can only cry, so I do.

Often my mind rolls over the reasons given. When they were spoken to me, each one felt like a knife plunging into my beating heart. Now when I recall them it’s as if that knife is still embedded in my flesh, and with each memory twists deeper.

Promises made then destroyed.

So much confusion.

Unbelievable misunderstanding.

I'm mourning and I don’t want to let go.

And now I cry, every day.

A friendship is gone.

My heart intuitively knows that it’s already gone, and the grieving process begins long before the action happens.

Sometimes I'm crying because I know that I'm about to lose something important to me and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to hold on, I will lose it anyway.

But, it's always because I’m mourning a loss of something important to me, or even that I sense that loss coming.

I do cry a lot, yes.

When we cry, we mourn, we cleanse, and hopefully we begin to heal.

Yet, I’ve heard that if you've lost something or someone that's important to you and you don't cry, then you're not mourning that loss properly, effectively.

Having been told once that I cry too much.

Caught in an endless loop.

His Journey

The velvet night sky stretches wide

A lonely canvas painted by clouded memories
Love eagerly seeks a place
Away from the brewing storm
To rest his weary soul

A Heart sings a call above frigid winds
Beyond creation it waits
With limitless calm and patience
For Love to find his way
Back home

Thunder crashes
Lightning brightens the darkened sky
The Heart’s song penetrates the deafening rain
Its chorus woven and complete
Fueled with adoring passion and simple melody

Love hears the Heart’s call
Rising above the mutiny
He launches and soars beyond winds high
His delicate spirit touches and ignites the stars
Then winks at the moon as he travels by

He knows the Heart promises reprieve
Warmth and peace
The Heart swells and beats in anticipation
As finally Love settles before it

His journey is over
Love has found his place
The heart cradles him
Within its arms
Soothing Love’s tired soul

He sleeps

~~~

For Sterling
01/04/12

Rest easy now, my friend. You will be missed, always.

Dreams

There is a difference
Between knowing something
And believing it

A window into my soul was opened
All my dreams flew into your arms
And you held them

Such a fleeting amount of time

Then you let them go
And they fell to the ground
At your feet

My breath seized
I waited
For a word
A sign
Some measure of understanding
And nothing came

My dreams lingered unclaimed
My heart abandoned to beat alone

That window into my soul
Slammed closed
The glass cracked within its frame
Distorting the view I knew
And reflecting what I refused to believe

My dreams flew away
On winds of change
Tears streamed down my cheeks
And smothered my heart

I watched you walk away
And I let you go

You said I had to

Love Remains

Your question is one of sincerity:
When love becomes all that remains, is it durable enough
to battle the pain and anger that threaten to take its place?

There is a dwelling, beyond the boundaries of my humanity, where this love
sits and waits. It waits for you.
It’s solid and true.

Love...

An indestructible force with walls fortified by trust, honesty and
immeasurable amounts of authenticity.
It triumphs over false perceptions, mistaken intentions and unrealistic expectations.

My answer is one of equal sincerity:
When love becomes all that remains, yes, it is durable enough to conquer anything.
It transforms into the balm that our broken hearts need.

When love is all that remains…
It is all we need.
And it becomes everything.

Your Sky

Unconditional gifts
Conditioning me
Inside my eyes
My hardness you see
An empty soul
Simply incomplete
Weeping hearts
Oozing sweet
Tender extremes
Giving more
Always more
Unrealized dreams
Floating on clouds
Hidden in your sky
Remembering my
Cinnamon fantasies
Begging for blessings
Bestowed by me
Mistaken expectations
Forfeited for
Anything received

Eternally

Our fairytale was
Written bold and clean
Woven between
Lies that became
Truth that became
Fantasy

Yours and mine

Excuses once
Logical now seem
Mundane and
Reality will always
Be love
I’ll love you
Eternally connected
Forever

Perhaps mystically

No matter how far
You stray
From me no matter
How long you
Stay away
Reality will always
Be love
You’ll love me
Eternally connected
Forever

To me

And bitter sweetness
Remains hidden inside
Our never ending
Fairytale
Of make-believe

Rent Free

A Slice to my heart
One moment I’m fine
The next
I’m bleeding
Everything’s changed
Yet remains the same
My scar
Never fully heals
As if it knows
It’ll be torn open
Again
Tall on your soap box you stand
Though you’re such a small man
One more comment
Another useless declaration
Carefully planned
To keep me away
And bring me to my knees
I gave what you wanted
And still you remain
A smudge on my soul
Tormenting my dreams
Casting your shadow
Living rent free
You’ve soiled it all
Each special moment
Every precious memory
I’m left with nothing
It’s all very clear to me
I understand completely
The joke was on me
Don’t talk anymore
Just please
Leave me be

Posed

Discarded
Like an over-used accessory
Your well-worn doll
That sparkle once
Decorating my eyes
Must have grown dull
Your clouded vision of me
Determines my standing
Wait
Wasn’t I your favorite?
Your co-star
In this performance
Now cast aside
Only given
Barely a hasty glance
Perched upon some shelf
Collecting dust
An obsolete apparatus
Posed precisely
With a painted smile
Watching as you tickle
These newest versions
My understudies
Longing for the day
You’ll remember
The important role I played
Maybe you’ll remove me
From this artful display
Once you grow tired of
Your shiny playthings

Perfect For Me

Shame is a waste
A seemingly useless emotion
Slithering like a snake
It sneaks up on you
Thickens and constricts
Sucks the life out of victims
Feeds on the hearts and souls
Of the innocent and damned
Consumes every inch of tender skin
Spreading venom through frail bodies
It poisons everything
It’s poisoning me
Weakened past the point of reason
Insanity begins to take control
Swirling thoughts of madness reign
And become truth
Nothing is what it seems
I am no longer me
Such a cruel twist of fate
And you are no longer you
The hatred inside you grows
It surrounds you and taints all things
You wish to keep safe
You hate yourself
Likely more than you hate me
And though I am weak
From touching you
I know deep inside my dying soul
The damage you have done
Can never be undone
Gone is the person I thought
You were
Perfectly imperfect
Perfect for me
Now all I see is a vile shell
Your mark has been made
This task complete
And as I take my dying breath
A single moment of clarity blooms
Shame has proven its usefulness
After all
It’s destroyed both you
And me
Though there was never really
‘You and Me’
There was only you

Jagged Shards

I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Discovering each other’s masks
Our many different faces

Carefully carved lines
Marked the path we
Trespassed
Keeping us safe
Yet trapping us
Bestriding the bond
Over a cavern of sin

Connecting fantasies
Dreams and nightmares
Indulging in wants
We shouldn't have
Taking what we pleased
In spite of consequence
Damning sanity

Breathing deep
Every moment
Each touch
Fire raged between us
An uncontrollable heat
Singeing our lips
With each passing kiss

Such intense emotion
At times neglected
Leaving my heart raw
In a defenseless state
Blurring the lines
In the blink of an eye
Between love and hate

The result could only be
Heartache
Broken dreams
Sweet hours of conversation
Now silenced by misery
Riding our merry-go-round
We twirled

Sitting quietly became
A deliberate punishment
Yours or mine
Who’s to say
Amidst hurt feelings
And indifference
It’s all the same

Leaving me behind
In this broken state
All things sacred
Left in jagged shards
Crushed in justifiable
Yet uncalled for
Disdain

There is no glue
No way to repair
The broken mirror
Replicating me
A thousand different ways
There is no more pain
No blood left to bleed

The pretty mess
I willingly let you
Make of me
Do you see what I see?
Horrified by all
The memories
You stole from me

Can you still feel me?
Like you used to
Thoughts of you still haunt me
Do thoughts of me haunt you?
I suppose
It doesn’t really matter
If they do

Still
I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Do you?