Dreams

There is a difference
Between knowing something
And believing it

A window into my soul was opened
All my dreams flew into your arms
And you held them

Such a fleeting amount of time

Then you let them go
And they fell to the ground
At your feet

My breath seized
I waited
For a word
A sign
Some measure of understanding
And nothing came

My dreams lingered unclaimed
My heart abandoned to beat alone

That window into my soul
Slammed closed
The glass cracked within its frame
Distorting the view I knew
And reflecting what I refused to believe

My dreams flew away
On winds of change
Tears streamed down my cheeks
And smothered my heart

I watched you walk away
And I let you go

You said I had to

Love Remains

Your question is one of sincerity:
When love becomes all that remains, is it durable enough
to battle the pain and anger that threaten to take its place?

There is a dwelling, beyond the boundaries of my humanity, where this love
sits and waits. It waits for you.
It’s solid and true.

Love...

An indestructible force with walls fortified by trust, honesty and
immeasurable amounts of authenticity.
It triumphs over false perceptions, mistaken intentions and unrealistic expectations.

My answer is one of equal sincerity:
When love becomes all that remains, yes, it is durable enough to conquer anything.
It transforms into the balm that our broken hearts need.

When love is all that remains…
It is all we need.
And it becomes everything.

Your Sky

Unconditional gifts
Conditioning me
Inside my eyes
My hardness you see
An empty soul
Simply incomplete
Weeping hearts
Oozing sweet
Tender extremes
Giving more
Always more
Unrealized dreams
Floating on clouds
Hidden in your sky
Remembering my
Cinnamon fantasies
Begging for blessings
Bestowed by me
Mistaken expectations
Forfeited for
Anything received

Eternally

Our fairytale was
Written bold and clean
Woven between
Lies that became
Truth that became
Fantasy

Yours and mine

Excuses once
Logical now seem
Mundane and
Reality will always
Be love
I’ll love you
Eternally connected
Forever

Perhaps mystically

No matter how far
You stray
From me no matter
How long you
Stay away
Reality will always
Be love
You’ll love me
Eternally connected
Forever

To me

And bitter sweetness
Remains hidden inside
Our never ending
Fairytale
Of make-believe

Rent Free

A Slice to my heart
One moment I’m fine
The next
I’m bleeding
Everything’s changed
Yet remains the same
My scar
Never fully heals
As if it knows
It’ll be torn open
Again
Tall on your soap box you stand
Though you’re such a small man
One more comment
Another useless declaration
Carefully planned
To keep me away
And bring me to my knees
I gave what you wanted
And still you remain
A smudge on my soul
Tormenting my dreams
Casting your shadow
Living rent free
You’ve soiled it all
Each special moment
Every precious memory
I’m left with nothing
It’s all very clear to me
I understand completely
The joke was on me
Don’t talk anymore
Just please
Leave me be

Posed

Discarded
Like an over-used accessory
Your well-worn doll
That sparkle once
Decorating my eyes
Must have grown dull
Your clouded vision of me
Determines my standing
Wait
Wasn’t I your favorite?
Your co-star
In this performance
Now cast aside
Only given
Barely a hasty glance
Perched upon some shelf
Collecting dust
An obsolete apparatus
Posed precisely
With a painted smile
Watching as you tickle
These newest versions
My understudies
Longing for the day
You’ll remember
The important role I played
Maybe you’ll remove me
From this artful display
Once you grow tired of
Your shiny playthings

Perfect For Me

Shame is a waste
A seemingly useless emotion
Slithering like a snake
It sneaks up on you
Thickens and constricts
Sucks the life out of victims
Feeds on the hearts and souls
Of the innocent and damned
Consumes every inch of tender skin
Spreading venom through frail bodies
It poisons everything
It’s poisoning me
Weakened past the point of reason
Insanity begins to take control
Swirling thoughts of madness reign
And become truth
Nothing is what it seems
I am no longer me
Such a cruel twist of fate
And you are no longer you
The hatred inside you grows
It surrounds you and taints all things
You wish to keep safe
You hate yourself
Likely more than you hate me
And though I am weak
From touching you
I know deep inside my dying soul
The damage you have done
Can never be undone
Gone is the person I thought
You were
Perfectly imperfect
Perfect for me
Now all I see is a vile shell
Your mark has been made
This task complete
And as I take my dying breath
A single moment of clarity blooms
Shame has proven its usefulness
After all
It’s destroyed both you
And me
Though there was never really
‘You and Me’
There was only you

Jagged Shards

I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Discovering each other’s masks
Our many different faces

Carefully carved lines
Marked the path we
Trespassed
Keeping us safe
Yet trapping us
Bestriding the bond
Over a cavern of sin

Connecting fantasies
Dreams and nightmares
Indulging in wants
We shouldn't have
Taking what we pleased
In spite of consequence
Damning sanity

Breathing deep
Every moment
Each touch
Fire raged between us
An uncontrollable heat
Singeing our lips
With each passing kiss

Such intense emotion
At times neglected
Leaving my heart raw
In a defenseless state
Blurring the lines
In the blink of an eye
Between love and hate

The result could only be
Heartache
Broken dreams
Sweet hours of conversation
Now silenced by misery
Riding our merry-go-round
We twirled

Sitting quietly became
A deliberate punishment
Yours or mine
Who’s to say
Amidst hurt feelings
And indifference
It’s all the same

Leaving me behind
In this broken state
All things sacred
Left in jagged shards
Crushed in justifiable
Yet uncalled for
Disdain

There is no glue
No way to repair
The broken mirror
Replicating me
A thousand different ways
There is no more pain
No blood left to bleed

The pretty mess
I willingly let you
Make of me
Do you see what I see?
Horrified by all
The memories
You stole from me

Can you still feel me?
Like you used to
Thoughts of you still haunt me
Do thoughts of me haunt you?
I suppose
It doesn’t really matter
If they do

Still
I remember
When it was fresh and new
We laughed within
Endless hours of conversation
And then sat quietly for hours more
Do you?

The Joke

Are you done yet
Have I bled enough
Honestly could I ever bleed
Enough for you to be happy

You’ve justified your misdeed
Twisted it in your mind
Made yourself believe
I was just a lapse in sanity

You created a story
A manipulated masterpiece
It fit the picture you needed
To prove your innocence

You told me I meant everything
Though clearly this new version
Makes you the martyr
You desperately need to be

You’ve stained every word
Held sacred by me
What does it matter
What mattered to me

I was the joke
You could never leave
Until
You finally did

Lined With Gold

Layers of tattered papers
Hold penned sonnets
Long since expected
Declaring love
Whispered promises
Devotions to keep
Letters received
One followed by another
Spinning fairy tales
Crafted from whimsy
Tied neatly in a bow
Cleverly lined with gold
Now worn from hours
Of recitation
Committing each word
To my heart shaped box
Of memories
Your cherished notes
Ceased long ago
As did anticipated hope
There would be
One more
Read by moons light
These shadowed words
Display differently
For now I see
The fallacy played
A story believed
Conjuring my desire
To set them free
To be carried away
Upon stolen winds
Sent back
From where they came

My Bubble

A bubble is made
Of such fragile
Material
Thin and transparent
Defying gravity
Flitting from
Surface to sky
Gleaming in the sunlight
My bubble
Withstands storms
Callous skies
And Rocky ground
It floats
It persists
And remains intact
Heavy and weighed down
My bubble
Seems made from
Impenetrable steel
Yet still
Thin and transparent
Inside it I exist
Looking out
Watching you
As you look in
Watching me
I want to know
How can it remain
What would it take
For you
To burst my bubble
The one you helped create
And reinforce
For me
To finally touch
To feel
To taste
And to finally know
What my bubble was
Created to mean
If not for anything
But maybe
To finally set me free

Locked Door

A glittering halo
Once surrounded me
Bright and forgiving
Now gone
Bent and broken
Blackened by reality
Part of my heart died
The consequence of letting you go
Vast emptiness
Stark and cold
Deep inside
I stand alone
Broken
The door is closed
The lock engaged
And still
Love and compassion remains
You are
And always will be
Mine
My heart
My breath…
Mine eternally
When I dream
I see you and feel you
Our souls coalesce
As they’ve always done
Then I wake
So far from you
So far from where we once were
Consumed by the ache
Existing half alive
Knowing all is as it should be
The evidence of you
Is stamped upon my soul
Alone
Missing you
Behind my locked door

** I wrote this poem for @christel42 to honor National Poetry Month and posted on her blog. She's a wonderful friend and writer. Thank You Christel.**

Erase My Memory

My heart is slowly dying
He’s haunting me
God please
I’m suffocating
I beg you
Save me
Erase my memory
What I would give
For a moment of peace
To feel like me again
To know that I’m free
Noise surrounds me
Yet all I hear is silence
I can’t take another night
Crying myself to sleep

A Man

Don’t forget
You tossed me away
Gave up everything
I’m no longer yours
Yours to possess
To caress your sin
Your mental plaything
Someone else claims me
He’s everything
Everything you wish you could be
A man
Not a boy
The fallacy
That hid before me
Does this inspire your hate?
Let’s keep it that way
You’ve been removed
From my heart
My mind
And my soul
I promise
You’ve been replaced

Great Divide

You’re stirring
On the other side
Of our great divide
Your movements slow
Unpredictable
Your face a sullen mask
Once displaying anger
And now melancholy
I’m never certain
Which it will be
Please don’t
Don’t attempt to cross
The tattered bridge that
Still holds our souls connection
You’ll fall…we’ll fall
And I no longer wish to
Still too fragile and unable
To say no
The once beautiful waters
Have receded
Leaving nothing but
Scars in the walls that
Once held it true
A mass of wounds
Healing yet not healed
It’s not wise to disturb
The fresh balance achieved
Flowers will bloom again
Without the water
They once craved
My fragile line
Has been drawn
Stay on your side
Of our great divide
Your guilty hands
Can only bring harm

End of Story

Clumsily you spin
Upon your stage
How embarrassing

Do you dislike my hate
It’s of your creation
The one thing
You always asked of me
End of story

Do you wish
I’d still spin for you
I’d take your bait
Play our old game
This dance grows tiring

You must have forgotten
All things said
Every misstep
Despite the choreography

Warp your memory
Bend it to your will
Absolve yourself
Then look down on me
Condemn me again

Your wasted opinion
Means nothing
I won’t reach out
I’ll never call your name
You’re safe

Besides
You’re no match
For the likes of me

Beautiful Pawns

Save all your words
All your love
The sweetness that drips
From your wandering fingertips
Keep it
Save it for someone
Anyone who’ll believe
For once that someone
Won’t be me
I no longer crave your lips
Painted with honeyed words
Words that now I see
Only attract flies
Caught desperately
In your trap
A dazzling twisted strategy
A few plotted lines and
They all believe
Beautiful pawns
To be played in your
Desperate game of chess
Endless calculations
Careful manipulations
Save all your words
All your love
Keep it
This pawn doesn’t
Want to play anymore

Villanelle for the Death of Archery (anonymous guest post)

Gorgeous villanelle guest post written by a friend.
Enjoy!




There are far too many things that you don't know
The revelry and squalor packed away
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

A million little boxes in a row
To bury or to swallow was the game
There are far too many things that you don't know

Choked them prickly searing down my throat
Afraid to use my shovel or my spade
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

The perfect Swedish angel in the snow
The sickness that I still feel to this day
There are far too many things that you don't know

I loved you then I love you now and so
Painful that it has to be this way
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

Serenity and wisdom are the bow
The quiver and the arrows disobey
There are far too many things that you don't know
It's time to pull the curtain on my show

I Heard Them Clearly

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
Your cunning cutting tongue
Slices my spoiled heart

My promises made
Were promises kept
And I’m still standing here
Holding foolishly
To a single strand of hope

Watching you walk away
Carrying the air I breathe
Wondering when you’ll love me again
Waiting for you to remember
Why you loved me before

Take with you as you go
The love I gave freely
Distort the depictions
Of you and me
Destroy our memory

One more time please
I don’t think everyone heard
The words you screamed
“I don’t want you anymore”
I assure you I heard them clearly

Disease

Your petty display
I’ve often overlooked
Refusing this fate
Loving you in spite of
Your obvious lies
I’ve had all I can take
I hate your hypocrite face

Truth is supposed to set me free
Yet I’m held captive
Inside this maze
Crawling with venomous
Vines dripping excuses
You crafted just for me

I hate you occupying my mind
Like a disease you’ve taken hold
And won’t let go
Infecting every inch of my soul
Spoiling everything I taste

There is no serenity
Wandering inside this pathetic joke
Cursing your memory
Screaming your name
Dying one moment at a time

Mostly I hate
That my hate still isn’t
Strong enough
To kill my love
Eradicating this contamination
Called you
A constant threat
To my sanity

Ever forgiving
Unconditional
Never faltering
Love
Stands strong
You don’t deserve an ounce
Not one drop of blood
From my heart
You don’t even deserve
My hate

Love

My mind clamors to escape
Visions battle
Of love
Of hate
Twisting spinning
Who will win this useless race?
Love is in the lead
A smile is all it takes
He holds her close
Coaxing her heart
From its hiding place
Heaven and Hell
Are one in the same
As his demeanor begins to change
Hate smothers love
Spoiling her foolish faith
Crumbs of lies litter her space
Soiling the gift she makes
Another round we go
Tell the Devil we said hello
No end to the cruelty of his soul
Sweet hate prevails
And finally takes
Love’s place

Words

Winds whisper your words to me
I love you
And repeat
A million different ways

Your many faces
Make no difference to me
Only memories
A movie reel on repeat
Showing what was
Playing what is
Projecting what will never be

Tainted pictures painted of me
The story told
Words written in angry disdain
Cause pain
Yet hold no weight
Only the million ways
I love you
Inevitably warmed me
Remains

The pain hides within my eyes
My smile
Nothing more than polite disguise
Unchangeable and ever beautiful
To everyone but you

Again the winds whisper
Devoid of your feelings
Feelings I shouldn’t want or need
Feelings that mean too much to me

Breathless

My breath escapes
Held captive
By your rhapsody
My soul lay bare
Beneath entrancing whispers
And translucent eyes
My heart open
To caress
My body yours
To possess
My response for any request
Will always be
A breathless
Yes
Come back to me
My body craves you
My ethereal love
Wrap your mind
Inside mine
Become real
And love me
One last time

Naivety

My morbid reflection
Brings no understanding
Only hollow ache
Arrogant disdain
Your superfluous tool
Help cast aside
My lingering doubts
Polish and wipe your sins clean
Quickly now
Turn your whipping stick
Towards me
Ruthless strikes
Again and again
No mercy for the weak
Punishment is necessary
Though you’ll never really be clean
Mustn’t let them see
Please
Masquerade your lie
Be sure to highlight mine
Let the gauntlet fly
Condemn your very creation
Destroy every cell
Of my heart once held
Once loved
Incinerate any evidence
Of the error you made
Deny any responsibility
After all
It was my foolish
Naivety

So Willingly

You laughed
I became your fool

You stayed protected
I exposed eternity

Hiding your smile
While I cried
I’m pretty when I cry

Unmerited responsibility
Toyed with so frivolously

Didn’t you discern
The damage you would do

I loved you
Of course you knew
In my mind you loved me too

How can it be
You let me give so easily

I gave you all of me
And you took it

Every piece of me
You took and took
So Willingly

Regret Filled Moon

The image of you crosses before me
And leaves devastation in its wake
Your face has branded itself upon my soul
My heart

I’m forgotten, cast aside as I lie
Awake in the dreadful silence of my mind
My tears are hot and never ending. Each one
A memory, a regret, a smile
I’ve died inside

A shell of who I thought I knew myself to be
Confused by happenings, abandoned by fate
No choice, no voice but the whisper in my mind
Reminding me of the fool you let me be
I’ve searched tirelessly for you but all I find
Around every turn is the same
Vanilla sky and the blue regret filled moon

Lover Bemused

Scornful dreams
Tempting screams
Wiping tears away
Denial is thick
My bitter drug
Charmed intensity
To fight
To breathe
Hold tight
I’ll navigate
Delusions anew
Cloaked gestures
Birthed by identity
My enemy
Risks sanity
My soul bleeds true
Lover bemused
I’m yours

Pass the Salt?

A subtle
Scratch down the
Chalk board of your soul

Please, pass the salt?

Swallow your meal
Chew slow
She doesn’t know
Disguise your gaze
Across the expanse
At him
Does he know?
How many delicious
Secrets you hold
Will he notice?
A twitch in your lip
The glimmer in your eye
Will she comprehend?
The sins you commit
He couldn’t know
Could she?
Swallow slow
Don’t choke
Desire can be thick
As it goes down

Please, pass the salt?

A burning balm for the
Guilt in your mind

If Only...

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you try

If only
If only you still wanted me
What I’d give to hold you
And have you love me
As you did before

Fear dictates reasoning
Choices made constrict
There is no air to breathe
Squeezing all life out of me

If only
If only you could be you
With me
Wishes don’t come true
And hope is a fool

If only
If only I’d chosen differently
The intersection
A defining crossroad
This foolish play destroyed

Tangled in memories
Tangled up in you
What could have been
What used to be

If only
If only the words I say
Would make you change your mind
Could make you come back
To me

The Ache

Where do we go when we’re left alone? When the things we want or wish for are taken from us and the pain becomes so great that there is no room for anything but the ache?

It consumes everything.

How is it that you can walk away? Don’t you see? You’re integrated into every part of me. The secrets of my soul are yours to keep, to cherish or file away.

I have no choice. You’ll haunt me, a ghost that follows me through all my days and every dream. The last thought before I sleep, the first thought when I wake.

A constant presence that won’t ever leave, even as I suffocate.

You’ve turned and walked away, but I’ll never be free. Your words will play in my mind thousands of times.

“I love you, and I’m sorry."
A melody and a curse in so few words

“I love you too, and no one is sorrier than me.”
I can’t breathe.

Where do I go since you've left me alone? The things I want or wish for you’ve taken from me and the pain is so great that there is no room for anything but the ache.

It’s consuming everything.

Puzzle

Fantasies morph
Twisting dreams
Thoughtfully arranged
Displayed before you
Faded blue eyes
Without a face
Beckon me
Promising love
Connected belief
Unable to decipher
Truth from fiction
Missing puzzle pieces
Fill my pockets
Drowning in daydreams
Untangle the scene
Reveal what’s hiding
I need to believe
In something

Seeking

Kneeling before
Broken memories
Time stands still
Yet moments pass
A book of riddles
You and me
Still seeking
Searching for answers
I seem to need
Impatiently waiting
For explanations
Begging please
Have mercy
Do you not know me?
Have you forgotten
Everything?
An accepting place
Awaits you
Inside my heart
Can’t you see?
It’s still me
I’ll keep seeking
Searching for answers
I seem to need

Tired

 

I’m tired from…

Needing more than

I’m needed

Giving more than

I’m given

Wishing more than

I’m wished for

Caring more than

I’m cared for

Crying more than

I’m cried for

Holding more than

I’m held

Touching more than

I’m touched

Fighting more than

I’m fought for

Loving more than

I’m loved

Wanting more than

I’m wanted

Too tired to…

Need

Give

Wish

Care

Cry

Hold

Touch

Fight

Love

Want

And far too tired for you

Tomorrow

What makes me believe

Today you’ll be different

Different than yesterday

Somehow better

Tomorrow

Will promises made

Ever be promises kept

Why do I hold

So tightly to you

What would happen if…

If I let go

Would my heart explode

Splinter into a million pieces

Would you gather them up

Tape them together

And promise again

You’ll be different

Different than yesterday

Somehow better

Tomorrow

Intersection

Who is this person I see
This person before me
Is it reality?
Or something different
Entirely
Is it true?
Is it really you?
The proof before my eyes
You…
It couldn’t be
A part of me can’t believe it’s true
Maybe you showed me
Someone you used to be
A slightly younger version
Who you wish you
Could still be
But never will be
The intersection you presented
You placed in my hands
Without knowing it
You showed me everything
Told me all I was missing
For now I see
Everything you hid from me
Never wanted me to see
Me to know
Me
Who has always been me
Laid bare before you
But not you
You’re a lie
Your own fantasy
A false image you presented
Yourself to be
Didn’t you know?
Maybe it would have been okay
Had you trusted me
With the actual you
A choice
And now
There is nothing
But lies and fallacy
And now I’ve no choice
But to be done with you
I’m done
Whoever you may be
Now I’ll mourn the loss of who
I believed you to be