Safe From Me

 

Who am I

Who should I be

I’ve been lost and found

In the space of one moment in time

Yet at the core of my distress

My confusion

I find me

Who I used to be

But still am

Truth, insanity, insecurity

A lover, a mother

A wife, a friend

A hopeless romantic

A fool

Someone I used to know

No longer someone I want to be

But me…alone

Forever dependent on you

Thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions

Love…

Why me

What could you possibly see in me

Is it the idea of me

What I used to be

Or what I am today

Who am I today

God – please help me

Help me uncover what I’m supposed to be

What you need me to be

Help me find the truth

Buried deep inside of me

I’m sick of this endless hallway

Sick of the pain that wraps around me

Like a second skin

I run and hide in the dark place

Within my heart

I’m safe there

Safe

From me

Home

Let me embrace you
Provide solace
Fears cannot linger
Doubts no longer haunt
Dreams and waking thoughts
Feed upon my nourishing touch
Drink from my soul
Your home within my heart
The soft place
You always know is safe
And recognize
Every part of me
As your own

Drown Me

Venom slides
Down my throat
Choke and swallow
Scream
Fight the pain
Swirling in my gut
Bitterness coats
My insides
Burns then stains
My soul
Agony and dread
Surround me
Drown me
Disappointment
Deals a final blow
Silencing
My scream

3 Guest Poems by Tacoma Firefly

Here are 4 poems I am posting for a very old friend of mine. He goes by Tacoma Firefly. If we're lucky he'll start his own blog soon because I think there is much more where these came from.


We

We swim in the pool of honesty.
We dance on the clouds of truth.
We sing the songs of friendship.
We taunt with the ideas of tomorrow.
We stumble from the pains of yesterday.
We walk on the flames of lust.
We ride on the backs of heartache.
We feast on the fruit of trust.
We treasure our time together.
We sleep on the bed of dreams.

****

My One

Let me greet you at the banks of desire.
Let us swell in our lust for companionship.
Forgive me for my penetrating stare.
Take your breath.
Let not your passion heed to the thoughts of our past.
But instead embrace them knowing you’re not alone.
I migrate to the scent of your temptation.
Give in to my touch.
Spread open and surround me like the Gossamer rings of Jupiter.
My one is you and you are my one.

****

Pleasure or Pain

A pinch.
A prick.
A pound.
A pump.

A friend.
A finger.
A bite.
A bump.

A pill.
A tingle.
A dopamine dump.

A kiss.
A touch.
A spank on a rump.

Rose

Delicate petals open
Soft and inviting
Visibly alive
Colored by grace
Her stem
Long and unyielding
Brandishing thorns
When necessary
Reminding you
Of your place
Yet love flows
Like dew
Soothing wounds
Dropping kisses
Upon your brow
Alive with color
A soft and strong
Creature of life
A rose
Bright red
Dropping seeds
Shades of pink
Yellow and white
Legacies to bloom
Growing in the sun’s embrace
Always resembling
And remembering
From where they came

Just Me

Standing alone
Though many faces
Exist around me
In this house
Full of painted scenes
Loneliness still wins
My screaming mind
Rises above
Registers attention
From none
Arms stretched out
Seeking comfort
I’m lost
Please
Silence my pleas
Just me
Alone and waiting
For a single
Special essence
The healing balm
That quiets my
Aching dreams

We

My trickle of hope
Leans across the pillow
Beside me
Words fall from your eyes
Soundless pleas
Meaning everything
Soothing heartache and pain
Leaping into your soul
Dancing in memories
Of We
Twisting together
A Connection
Withstanding sin
Cradled in hands of gods
An undying love
Produces simple yearning
Revealing trepidation
Trust lost to one
Leaving requests unfulfilled
Fear rules and strips devotion
In two
Severing the bond
One still holds true
Tears trickle
Across the pillow
Hope flickers
Then gone

Real

Warm flesh
Heart and soul
Keeping time within
A calming pulse
My voice
An affectionate melody
Inside your mind
Trust and dignity
Sarcasm dipped in humor
And bits of insanity
Wrapped up complete
Packaged with sweets
Arms stretched out
Willing to be held
Soft and tender
Against my breast
Embracing reality
I’m real for you
You
Every part of me
My wish
A single hope
Be real for me
Me

One Mind

Light filters
Soft and smooth
Over delicate skin
Painting you in
Beauty and sensuality
Slender curves carved
By gods of delight
Your scent stirs
My need to possess you
Deep within my heart
Your essence calls my soul
Enticing me to merge with your own
Falling into a never ending
Pool of dreams
Sweetness envelopes me
Lips dine upon
Angelic skin
Quenching thirsts
Hearts merge
Souls combine
One mind

Be Gone

Cold darkness
Rents space in my mind
Unwanted cravings
Ever present
You’ve become my religion
My God of understanding
Curled into a ball
Casting you from my mind
Be gone from me
You’re uninvited
This fantasy
Beckons me
Mesmerizes me
Looking away becomes
An exercise in futility
Your claws reach
Deep into my soul
Tearing away
My timid resolve
You’ve identified
Every weakness
One taste
One touch
Proves devastating
Curled into a ball
I cast you from my mind
Be gone from me
Please—

Blurred

Lines of certainty
Appear blurred
Stretched out among
Miles of unknown territory
Before my eyes
Nothing feels consistent
Self awareness
A distant memory
Distorted thoughts
Govern everything
Impairing judgment
I no longer trust
My own beliefs
Mindless moments
Crowded with insecurity
Who am I
Now that you’re gone
Who will I be

Worthy

I gave up
Gave in
I’d given enough
My heart misses you
My mind rejects you
It still hurts
Raw skin burns
My love ran deep
Fierce and loyal
More than you deserved
It was a game for you
Nothing more
I begged
On my knees
Pleaded
You presented
Only shameful apathy
I should have seen
But in the beginning
I was struck blind
Mesmerized
By your sweet eyes
Clever words
Your lying smile
No longer worthy
Remember I used to be?
Finally I see clearly
It was you
Who wasn’t worthy of me

Vision

Stripped of the eyes
I once gazed clearly through
A single shift in position
Undoubtedly changed the vision
An entirely new scrutiny
Dissimilar to before
Igniting a war of emotions
Contradictory
They spar with one another
Toil and tumble
Quietly destroying
Every memory
I do not care for this
Vision replaced anew
My recollection is muddied
Soiled with inconsistencies
It no longer fits
The pretty picture
Formerly perceived
Through my new eyes
I can see unmistakably
It was all make-believe
It was all
Me

Willingly

Reality flickers brightly
On an unfamiliar road

Starbursts blossoming
Tears blur everything

Unsteady in my course
Unsure of my beginning

Open wounds
Still raw

One step forward
Two back

It seems
I’m forever trapped

Deeply yearning inside
Maybe for all time

I fell and cracked in pieces
Cluttering the ground before you

Shattering the window
I had always stared through

Seeking your soul
A vortex promising nothing

You let me go
Willingly

How I wish it had been
Regretfully

Does it matter to you that I’m gone?
It matters to me

The Memory

I sit and gaze
Inside the looking glass
It reflects clearly a time
Long since past
Overflowing with memories
Your smiling eyes
Linger before me
Your voice clear
A lullaby in my mind
The feel of your mouth
Pressed softly to mine
Our arms wrapped tightly
In a lovers embrace
A smile graces your lips
A giggle escapes mine
Twirling and laughing
The reverie of our play
Inspires a smile
This is what I needed
What I longed for
Watching the memory
Reaching out
My fingers find
The coolness of the glass
Lingering briefly
The image blurs
I am reminded once again
What I see is the past
A moment in time
A solitary window
Reflecting
My current reality

Silent Goodbye

Alone with my fear
Reluctantly I rise
Clutching the pale sheet
Wound tightly about my form
No longer your willing captive
Shackled in the dark
Riddled with desperation
Quiet pleas for mercy
Unheard or ignored
My dignity stripped raw
Used at will
Marked with scars
A second skin confines
Tattooed impressions upon my soul
Unsure of my footing
One small step
Propels me away
Forward
Light filters through
A crack in the wall
Freedom beckons me
I wobble and advance
Toward the precipice
Balanced on the edge
I turn around and see clearly
Your eyes
Silently urging
Go
Take your leave from me
Hope crushed once more
Falling backwards
The pale material
Unfolds and flies above
A white flag of surrender
A silent goodbye
From me

Futile Struggle

No weakness
To be found
Within these walls
Erected long ago
Set firmly in place
No match for
Heart and mind
Especially mine
I’ve grown tired
Weary from this battle
A futile struggle
Unable to sustain
My soul is heavy
Filled with self loathing
Confusing love and hate
Dying a thousand deaths
In search of that which
Does not wish to be found
Miles upon miles
Manipulating God's
Orchestration of fate
Trudging a path
Riddled with bones
Withstanding tests of time
Foolishly believing it was mine

My Seat

Held hostage in a world
You create and rule
I’ve no desire to leave
Lingering in my half awake state
The fog grows thick
Blanketing reality
No reason to breathe
Barely existing
The walls close in
Securing my seat
There will be no
Abdication from me
I’ll always lead
From the seat you
Willingly appointed me
You cannot renounce
Your Queen

Whisper

Anticipation burns
Between my thighs
Across the room
Your body stirs
Your stare intensifies
Conveying promises
Hidden desires
Undressing me with your eyes
Visions dance
Within my mind
Stripped raw
My body bare
Passion spins me
Back to actuality
Our eyes locked
Halting time
Be ready for me
You whisper
Your only words
Mirror mine

Ribbons

Tendrils of seduction
Radiate from your touch
Hot and wet
Moist with sweat
Palpable desire
Rolling your body
Against mine
Sinking inside
Sweet intoxicating
Irresistible heat
Our souls combine
Dancing tongues
Endless pleasures
Ribbons of need
Spiral around meeting hips
Divine pressure builds
Knotting our essence
The bow is tied

Insignificant

When did understanding
Become sullen ambiguity?
My heart beats
An unsteady cadence
Beseeching you
Misery
Adorns my cheeks
Staining my skin
Will my surrender be enough
To atone for my iniquity?
There is no defense for me
My fallible humanity
A shadow of a rose
Insignificant
Pale and worn
Broken and torn
Craving your light
Seeking forgiveness
So necessary
For only you
Can restore
The beauty once
Radiating from me

Chosen State

Fulfilling warmth
Your presence creates
We tumble and play
Sipping sweet
Intoxicating tastes
Amorphous ties
Hidden inside
Ordinary gestures
Swaddled in sightless faith
Yet can’t hold at bay
Your wave that sinks
Our heavenly state
Time stumbles over time
As I tread in the tide
Holding my breath
Struggling to weather my fate
Weighted down by
Crystalline promises
Long since drowned
Beneath my chosen state

The Corner

You must believe

I’m made of stone

My heart

Encased in steel

One look

I breathe

One touch

I’m free

One cruel word

Banishes me

Jettisoned

Orbiting misery

Heart clenched

Bracing me

Preemptively

I know too well the

Punishment I motivate

Silence you demonstrate

Gut wrenching pain

Pushes pink clouds away

Fostering darkened skies

Banished to the corner

Broken and torn

Somewhere inside

The depths of your mind

A dark corner

You’ve labeled mine

Frozen

Tears trickle down my cheeks

Iced drops of rain

Freezing your reflection

In a mirror of time

Your eyes now empty

Of the heart you once held

As mine

The pain of loss so great

The need to be seen

To be held and cherished

Consumes everything

My tears are in vain

My love wasted

Lost among frozen rain

Carving a path within

My soul

No heart waits for mine

Lonely, alone

Tears trickle

And find no home

Lost Child

Fists grip

Edges of dread

Fear reigns

Cunning and baffling

Enticing me

Come and play

Let me warm you

Sip of this darkness

It beckons me

A lost child

Wandering among

Collected members of insanity

They caress my icy skin

Dampening my ability

To decipher

Truth from lies

The voice within my mind

Screams warnings

I’ve no desire

To comprehend

I’m dead

Yet I still breathe

Hunger thrums inside my soul

Throat aches for

Just one taste

Cravings clawing in my mind

Will finally cease

I’ll be warm

Until next time

The Merry-Go-Round

Memories of oblivion

Swirl within my soul

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Around the merry-go-round

I fly

I’m sorry

Don’t cry

I promise I’m fine

I just need to hide

Behind crumbling walls

Water trickles constantly

Carving crevices

Gaps between

Weathered and worn

Broken stones

Another shot

One more hill

Soaring high

Another pill

Down the slippery slope

I slide

Catch me

Don’t let go

Watch as I fly

Just one more time

Around the merry-go-round

I ride

Make Believe

The uncooperative toy

Complex and incomplete

Far too many

Anomalies

They betray the image

Others think you want to see

I’m not your pretty

Mindless little thing

Subservient dream

No sustenance between

Then there is me

Unforgettable me

Your bitch

The Queen

I fight with my teeth

I dare you make believe

It’s not what you need

My voice

My humor

My love

My greed

Limitless loyalty

Defying even your

Disloyalty

Your uncooperative toy

Complex and incomplete

Far too many anomalies

Inspire your unending

Ambivalence

Towards me

Hoarding

Everything I seek

Your voice

Your humor

Your love

Your greed

Limitless loyalty

Defying even your

Disloyalty

Melody

Available for you

Eternally

Supportive and loving

Forever listening

All your fears

Many uncertainties

Complaints as well

Spill them upon me

Your biggest fan

You are the melody

I love to sing

Still the aches I breathe

Drift past your eyes

You don’t seem to notice them

Notice me

There’s not much left

I understand

It’s insufficient

But all there can be

The little time you give

It’s fitting

It has to be

Until the time comes

When it no longer will be

The Ugliest Girl in the World (guest post)

Hello everyone!

Here is a guest post from my very good friend @divine_pk. I hope you enjoy it.
I am honored to be able to share it with you.

I'm the ugliest girl in the world
I hide on the outside
With make up
With curls
When I'm thin people like me
Congratulations!
What an achievement
For abandoning myself
When I'm fat, people like me
Ugliness peeks through
So witty!
So smart!
So talented!
Thank god she's fat!
In between
Mother says with mother bias
What a pretty face
Father says with male bias
I'm an 8 out of 10
Thanks, Dad
Lovers know what I want to hear
But won't say
It will seem false
It will be false
After all
I am the ugliest girl in the world

Lovers compliment others
Words never said to me
For I am ugly
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd carve an X into my face
Diagonal
Right to left
Diagonal
Left to right
X-ed out
Then there would be no question
It's the wondering that kills me

Maybe, maybe it doesn't matter
Maybe, maybe I'm pretty
This woman lives in me, somewhere
Battling my ugly
Battered by my ugly
In me, two people who despise each other
No one sees my wounds
Agonizing wars, bitches brawl
If I had the right kind of knife
I'd cut them right out of my chest
Leaving a void
Where the pain was
A void
My ugly pain
MY ugly
Where would I be without my ugly?

Mine

Many things

I’ve dreamt I’d do

Desires and fantasies

Come true

Holding you

Within my arms

Breathing your scent

Gently tracing

Contours and lines

The curve

Of your hips

The sweetness

Of your lips

Nipping and suckling

Biting and claiming

What’s meant to be mine

Mine

I Wait

Thoughts swirl about

Within my mind

Startling my soul

Breaking apart

Truth I knew

Words morph into lies

Every whisper

Each promise

Burns to ash

Before my eyes

I wait

And I wonder

Did you know?

With the power I gave you

This is what you could do?

You’ve broken

The last bits of my heart

Presented openly to you

Did you know?

Your assurances meant everything

Truth be told

I wait

And I wonder

Will you mend what

You hold so carelessly?

I’ve given you the power to

Stripped

A flower gripped

Tight in my fist

Plucking the petals

One by one

He loves me…

Fluttering down

He loves me not…

Cluttering the ground

I pulled all the petals

Now wilted around my feet

The flower now bare

The petals don’t provide

The answers I seek

I didn’t take care

This longing for love

Never to become

Stripped and alone

Mirroring the stem

Forever undone

Captured

Twisted threads of broken webs

Capture and bind

Pieces of my soul

Spun loosely around

My torn heart

Shattered memories

Carried away on winds

Whispering wishes

Heard though not fulfilled

Floating then falling

To an uncertain world

Yielding to defeat

Captured and bound

Within twisted webs

Contentment is found

Inside the pain

Numb

I need to scream

Until my voice is gone

Dig my nails into my skin

Until it bleeds

My mind

Numb

My heart

A bottomless pit of sorrow

Anger courses through my veins

Bile floods the depths of my throat

Dejection pours from my soul

I gasp for breath

My mind

Quiets for an instant

My eyes meet yours

In silent demand

Can you not see what you’ve done?

I need to scream

Precious Skin

Thickened blankets of shame

Smother me

Darkening everything

My heart is black

Tears bleed from my eyes

Screaming my pain

Until my voice finds no sound

It makes no difference

Doesn’t matter at all

You’ll never be satisfied

I’m not the monster

You’ve painted me to be

Even now as I lay

Entangled in your blanket of shame

You’ll never acknowledge my pain

Continue your punishing tirade

Be careful not to touch

I may soil your precious skin

Even though I’m truly

A manifestation of your sin

Battle

Two powerful energies

Fight a battle of familiar misery

Entangled in a war

Their purpose unclear

Yet they persist

Tempting the Gods

Tempting each other

Damning their souls

There is no rhyme

There is no reason

No solution in what they seek

Seemingly doomed

Crashing into one another

For eternity

Bathing in ambivalence

Vast passion compels them

To battle, to hold on

Ignoring all the rules

The seduction of power

Consumes all things between them

What is it they seek?

Could it be, simply

Understanding?

Hope Dies

Cold in my watery grave

Darkness encroaches

Surrounding all sides of me

A familiar ghost keeps watch

Mocking me

Tattered threads of hope

Float inside this final resting place

Undying amounts of disappointment

Encapsulate my remains

Broken and battered

Damaged by my own hands

Cracks in my armor

Reveal vulnerability

My last appeal unanswered

Hope dies

Along with my heart

Formerly given

Without restraint

By me

Looking Glass

What’s behind your eyes,

Seized under lock and key?

What secrets do you hold

Within the pools of your soul?

Don’t fear your truth.

It doesn’t define you, as you believe.

Turn to the looking glass,

That’s where I’ll be.

Tell me your stories.

I’m listening.

In them, there’s beauty.

You will see.

It’s all just a memory.

Not the designation of who you’re meant to be.

Behind your eyes,

Lingers truth and vulnerability.

Turn to my looking glass,

I will set you free.

Haunting Lullaby

Hate you?

I can’t

Though I’ve tried

I miss too much of you

The laughter

The joking

The smile meant just for me

Your memory won’t

Let me sleep

Visions of you assault my dreams

A haunting lullaby

Lingers in my mind

I never meant for things to end

The method in which they did

A time wrapped in madness

I never intended

For you to hate me

Hate who you became

While with me

You’re not gone from me

I know you wish to be

I’m baffled

By the quickness

In which I’m gone from you

No…

I don’t hate you

I can’t

Though I’ve tried

Sweet Memories

Visions of you

Hovering over me

A glimpse of past sensations

Run through my core

Beckoning me

Coaxing free lust

Concealed in shadows

Holding sweet memories

Gasping for air

Begging for more

Tempting

Teasing

Whispering

Do you miss the taste of me?

Bitter Frost

I’m known as

The Ice Queen

Hard and cold

Ruling upon my throne

My kingdom held secure

Surrounded by frozen walls

Those locked outside

Feel my bitter frost

And cast their stones

Attempting to rupture

Barriers held safe

“She’s bitter without a heart”

They chant

Am I?

Yes… I believe I may be

My warmth felt and shared

With only those worthy of me

My love and care

My loyalty

Steadfast in my honor

Ruthless in my defense

With frozen beauty

Reflected in my sword

I gaze upon unworthy fools

Those who’ve forgotten

Those who push away

Warmth penetrating

Ice and frost

Melting away fears

Loneliness and Apathy

You speak as though you know my soul

Do you?

Allow me to introduce myself

I am YOUR Ice Queen

Hard and cold

Once revered

Once loved

Still upon my throne

Pursuit

Venomous lullabies

Ooze from my veins

Open and bleeding

Anger…Resentment…Hatred

Real reactions

Unreal emotions

Pain being verity

Hurt masks itself

In passive aggressive

Vindictiveness

Pursuit of justification

There is no end

What is it

God seeks from me?

Wants for me?

Much more than

What I seek for myself

Self righteous demonstrations

Of self

Selfish…Self-Centered

Yet God still loves me

Right where I stand

Patiently waiting

For my surrender

His will

Not mine

Recognizing that love

Still exists

If I just turn around